I'm really glad to see you venting and being so honest with your feelings. I, for one, used to stuff it all down and act like everything was o.k., like I had to make everyone else think I was o.k. and not be burden on anyone, and be all fine for everyone. None of that did me any good. You don't have to apologize for it. Your feelings, your confusion, feeling overwhelmed -- all that stuff -- is how you feel and you are entitled to feel that way. So rant all you want here. I'll listen. None of this pain goes away overnight and none of it can just be ignored. You can't just "get over it." It's too much. But please try to have hope. You deserve that and you are worth it. I have one suggestion, something that works well for me. I have two journals. One I write all my stuff in that I would usually write in a journal, including all the pain, grief, and confusion. The other I only write good stuff in, even little things that happen that make me smile for just a moment. It's how I stay focused at least a bit on today and on what is working for me. It helps me prove to myself that I can find some things good to focus on while I work through the pain of my past that still haunts my present. Hope these thoughts help. Keep hopeful. It will get better the more you work on it and you are worth it! Take care of you.

Be well,

mtd