I went to see my therapist yesterday. I didn't want to go for I hadn't slept at all that night and I was tired and just not feeling it. I went anyway, took the hour long ride on trains and buses I never had before, and getting anxiety in public for no real reason (I thought I was calm and collected but just standing there waiting for the subway I suddenly broke out in horrible shakes that would have been very obvious to anyone watching me).

I went, made it on time, and the whole hour session was spent on school. School, which is something my social worker takes care of, school which is something I already have figured out.. I tried explaining to her it was already being dealt with, and even my social worker had said that she would rather the therapist talk to me about my problems and stay out of the school issue.. But no, she spent the majority of going over what my worker and I had already done, acting as if I had no knowledge of what I had to do, and completely ignoring my protests.

When she wasn't stepping in places she didn't need to be, she instead tried to tell me how I felt, when I wasn't feeling that way at all. When we talk.. it's not me explaining how I feel, sometimes I don't know, but it's her telling me how I feel.. not how she thinks I feel, but her idealized, imaginative, perception of how I feel. I felt ignored, I felt trampled, I felt misunderstood, unimportant and small.. I went to therapy to get away from that.. I was getting that a lot from my Dad before I started therapy, and now I'm getting it in therapy.

The whole entire time I was unhappy, quiet, irritated, sleepy, and over and over again I was thinking "I hate you, I don't want to be here. Be quiet, stop talking, I don't care anymore. Let me go home." That office shouldn't be such a negative place for me to be.. It's supposed to help me but instead it's completely unfair..