Thanks you guys.

I don't have a fear that there was a SA I don't remember. The fear that's been playing around in my head for a year is that my CSA perp was not the person I originally thought it was. THAT is a very big and real fear. And yeah, I think it came out in my dream.

The dream did give me a way to finally, finally talk about my fear to T. It was so hard to open my mouth and say it. I told him about the dream and then told him there was something I was scared to say, that I've been holding for a year. Every time I would try to say it, I wouldn't be able to feel my feet and my legs and I wouldn't be able to breathe.

So. I would say as much as I could and then I would tell him I needed to stop and ask him to tell me a story. Just short things...like his favorite thing he ate last weekend was banana pudding. The little stories would ground me and I would say the next part, and then he would tell me a little story. We did that until I got the stupid sentence out.

After I told him, he asked if I wanted to continue talking about it or if I wanted to sit with the fact that I finally said it. I really wanted to sit with the fact that I said it, FINALLY. So, we did. T talked about how hard it must have been to hold that for a year, and to spiral up and down with it, and to never be able to say it. He talked about me being brave, and not having to hold it alone anymore. I sat and felt the feeling of still being ALIVE, even though I finally said it. I actually thought about PC and how hard it is for us to say things...and I thought about posting about how we CAN speak the unspeakable, and still be okay.

It was a 90 minute session, which was good. We never talked about who I think it might have been. I just couldn't go there. We talked about talking about the "who" and talked about not talking about it. I tried a couple of different times to tell....I started making a list, I started drawing a picture...but I couldn't do it. Not yet. Maybe not ever, but definitely not yet.

T said we will go as slowly as I need to.

At the end, he was telling me ways to ground myself this week, and while he was talking I had this "a-ha" moment. I realized that no matter WHO it was, it doesn't change anything. It happened when I was 4 and 5. I am the same person I have been since then. What happened doesn't change. No matter who did it, I am still the same me. I'm the same me I was before I spoke it out loud at session today.

I remember when my son was diagnosed with autism, realizing that he was the SAME little boy he had always been. Nothing had changed...he was still the exact same him.

No matter what my story is, I am still the exact same me. Remembering who did it doesn't change that. I don't even know if that makes sense, but it feels HUGE to me to have that to hang on to.

So. Trying to stay in the now and remember I'm still me, no matter what.