Last night when I got off work I headed for home and after stopping at the store, I decided I need a little time to collect myself, so I stopped and watched some kids in softball or baseball practice at the ball park. I sat there for about 20 mins, breathing and talking to God, and just contemplating...

When I got home, my youngest was heading to bed and my husband asked why I was so late getting home..."oh, besides going to the store?"

I told him I stopped at the ballpark, and I was sorry, I should have thought to send a message. So then he got upset and said....So you expect me to text you when I leave places or head for home, but you can't return the same and let me know... Again I said I was sorry. Seriously I didn't really think he'd even notice, but my defenses kinda went up and I said something along the lines of, maybe Iwondered if you'd even notice that I wasn't home on time....I wasn't intending to even say anything serious to him.

I had an early morning at work today, and I had planned to be polite and get ready for bed... OOOOPS...I instead decided to tackle the earlier texting incident....

I started with... for starters... I am not upset with the fact that you have friends that you are spending time texting... and I am glad that you have some friends you are able to be in touch with.... What does hurtme, is that you text these friends and you are so secretive about it and that you are texting them when it as my expense... when I have explained that I wanted to try to spend a few minutes of face time with you where I am the only thing on your mind.

I told him SEVERAL times before, it doesn't need to be serious conversation, just put everything else away and make them wait.... I asked if he was doing anything yet for himself and he told me not what I wanted him to do, so I asked what him what he meant by that and he said he wasn't seeing a professional. I told him that my PsDr, my T and I all felt that talking to friends is fine, but when there are major issues, they can only help from their experiences, based on their perceptions, etc. When you have big issues, you need to talk to someone that is professionally trained in handling things who can give nuetral advice that is intended to provide help for your best interests...

Anyway our discussion went on for much longer than I anticipated, and I told several times, that he needed to look at me.... He has been avoiding eye contact with me for quite a while...eventually I got on the floor on my knees in front of him and I put a hand on each side of his face and I looked him directly in the eyes and made him look at me, while I was crying and I asked him if he thinks I have a creative imagination.... He said yes. I said, OK then here is the deal. You won't talk to me and I am left to figure out everything on my own... I gave an example... I said now that is basic, but just think what my mind does with everything else, that I don't have any answers for.

He said he is just not ready to try yet, and I told him again how sorry I am for all the bad choices I made early in our marriage and how much I regretted that I took all he did forgranted, I explained that he says he can see I am making changes, and I said I am glad he noticed, but I can't understand how he can continue to be so cllosed off to me. I am trying so hard to make all my wrongs right.

He said "Why can't I just sit back a while and watch and make sure that these changes aren't just temporary?"

I told him, that if that was what he was doing, it wouldn't be an issue. That I could understand, but that isn't what he is doing........ I told him, that everytime I feel like I do something that know from past experience is something that should make things better, he actually closes off even more and I gave him examples of that....

I told him it hurts me that he treats me as if I am nothing to him. I said that I am working at trying to make me happy and I want us to be happy, and don't understand how he can not want to work on being happy if there is any chance we can be happy. I told him if he wants to go stay with a friend for a while, he can do that, but if he is going to do that than he HAS to agree to start seeing someone and making a real effort to figure out what is wrong.

I asked lots of questions, got very few answers, then gave him some of my ideas about what I was thinking might be his concerns.... I told him, that I don't have a clue if I am hitting any nails on the heads, or if I am so far off base, that I am not even in the right block, but I just wanted to want him to be happy again...

I have babbled on long enough and barely touched the surface on things that were talked about. This morning I thanked him for listening to me rant and I did appreciate the things that he had been trying to do to be more connected, that during the craziness I had failed to comment on.... And I asked that he please continue to do those things and not pull away from me again. I told him that I would try to continue to be patient with the little steps we were taking and could he please forgive me for being impatient and getting frustrated with the slow process. He said he was OK and left for work....About 3 hours after that I got a text from him requesting the phone number to my therapist... I tried to take a quick break to call him, but he let call go to voice mail, so I left a message, saying that I was hoping this was a good thing and that he didn't need to talk to my T, but he could make an appointment with anyone he wanted at the office if that was why he wanted the number, and that if he would rather just come and sit in on my appointment or something he could do that, or if I was just jumping to conclussions about why he wanted the number, just let me know to chill out.

I then sent him a text message saying I left a message, and gave him # again.

After a little while, I sent another text, saying I hope that this is a good thing for us...Are you OK with me right now?

I haven't heard back from him, and now I wonder if I have broken through to him and made him admit he needs to talk.......

OR MAYBE, he wants to call her to tell her I am a total nut case, and she needs to tell me to get on with my life and learn to accept that he is not wanting to be a part of my life anymore...

I am fighting myself wanting to keep texting until he give me an answer. I just hope that it is the first option, that he is willing to start talking to someone!!!!!