Ok guys I did it!!!!! Renewed faith in T.

I was freaking out, thoughts way out of control. The scenarios I had created were pretty viscious. I emailed her last night, I said I really need to talk and I do not feel I can wait until Friday. She replied this morning with I'm so glad you are opening up, come in, email me now or if you are in crisis please call me. So that right there really helped me gain the confidence to tell her.

I walked in there and told her I had the letter in my pocket so if I chicken out you can read it. Had to set myself up there.

I just started basically reading the letter aloud without looking at it. I mean I had obsessed over it a million times I knew exactly what I wanted to say and how. I kinda pretended she was not in the room, like I was rehearsing it, so if she said no it would not hurt so bad.

She was totally understanding. Guys it was hard, really, I almost felt paralized, especially admitting I felt abandoned. But I forced myself to say it, I knew deep down that this would be progress. If I can do this then I can work on feeling better. She told me she was very sorry she did not realize just how badly her words affected me. I am a very rigid person, so she did not pick up on the sensitivity that is deep inside. She said she will not abandon me she will continue to work with me. She asked me to be understanding that we are two people working together and learning eachother. She asked me if I would like to come in 2x a week. Phew sigh of relief I didn't have to ask. She even offered me to come in tomorrow. She was proud of me for recognizing that I was pulling away and that I still found the courage to stick with it.

To anyone reading this and feelling / thinking the same way I was. I ask you to please muster up every last bit of courage you have and do it. I feel so much better saying it, like ahh now I can get to the real work without having this plague me.

I am still obsessing over the next session, but in a better way, looking forward to feeling better.