Right.......... Im sorry if this is just a rambley mess just need to get this out.............

here is the situation,
I live with my grandma and have done on and off scince the age of two due to my mothers pysical and mental health reasons. i am not in contact with my mother aanymore, i am planning on getting an indunction against her and my grandma is planning on adopting me. i have had nothing stable before. she has had three strokes all of which she blamed me. Only recently i have discovered her strokes were not my fault, she told me from being a very young girl that my birth had caused them, which is i now know it is not possible though i still blame my self. she has had several breakdowns, i have always known her to be on antidepresents also and is an alcholic... so yeah as you can imagon she is a bit neurotic to say the least.

As a young child the big question 'why' was always on the tip of my tounge. i often question why my daddy wasnt here and when i was 7 my mother told me my father was dead, i believed this up untill the age of 12 then she turned around to me and told me he is alive but he doesnt want to know me, so for years i morned for a lie. i have never met or come into any contact with my father before. but basically months ago now (when i was in contact with her) i went around to my mothers to visit and was asking her if she had any contact details for my father, as i was considering contacting him some time i the future, contacting him had been on my mind for years ever science i found out he was alive anyway. she thought she would take the liberty of contacting him herself on behalf of me (when i asked her not to) and it turns out he does want to be a part of my life and get to know me but has kept away because he was scarred (well thats what my mother said he said on the phone anyway) acording to my mother he has metal health problems himself reguaring depression and anxity.
but for thease last months scince my mother contacted him i have been wanting to write a letter to him and have started one. though im not sure if now is the best time as i have my GCSE's coming up next year (i am 15) and i cant affort to screw them up. i have missed alot of school in the last year reguaring non family related issues. im also not in the best place emotionally, im not as together as i would like to think. i have been in councilling scince early this year and have got a bit better scince.

i just dont know what to do, would being patient pay off? I am i ready for this? i just have alot going on at the moment, exam pressures, self esteem isues, body image issues, struggling to come to the terms with the past, trying to keep my anxity under control, an eating disorder, i dont want to throw anymore complications or people in there. HOW DO I KNOW IF IM READY FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS????

i feel so alone with this situation, though i have some incredible people in my life: my amazingly suportive girlfriend (who i have been with for nearly a year now and she lives with me) my grandma, my pony lulu and my best friend ant (who is much much older than me) i feel like nobody understands. I just dont know what to do, not only is this going to have an affect on me if i decide i want to get to know him now it is going to affect everyone close to me.

Im sure i'll figure something out; i always do :I

sorry people if you cant understand any of this.