Well, I don't know where to go with this. I don't want to hog this thread, but it is the same question. I am having a major anxiety attack, I can't even move, I have to move and care for these animals, but IM in a lot of pain.

I have this mood and it never changes, I would like to change it but I can't. Because the truth is, it is exactly how I feel. I can't say NOT NOW, IT IS NOT NOW. Because it is now for too long now. Four years is too long to not be able to say NOT NOW. I can say NOT MY FAULT.
But, well, that doesn't help, it is not my fault but I NEED IT TO STOP BEING NOW.

When you all talk about others understanding what this PTSD means.
Well that takes on whole new demention to me. Oh I am a super poster too. Sometimes I take up a lot of space. I don't even know what some of you think of that. But Ill tell you why I do it. Yes I have a past littered with PTSD. But I am also living it now. I am taking a vacation within every post. Because i don't want to think about now. Whats happening now. And yet I am trying to gain strength to do just that. I could say so much more, there is so much more.

I am dealing with the result of someone's negligence every day. To be honest, I just can't wrap my brain around it. And I am trying really hard.
But I am in a trap that hurts all the time and it is the past and now and I have yet to reach the finish line. I am doing everything possible to intellectualize it. But I can't seem to do it.

The last Flashback I had was in a depositon when an attorney asked me where the most damage was, what animal, what is the most damage.
I sat there with a drawing and I looked down. And I saw everthing and I saw my little pony friend dying and all the other ones and all our faces.
I couldn't speak I was frozen and there was nothing I could do or say and the tears were just coming and I couldn't stop it. I loved them all, it was like asking which one I loved the most. It was like asking who was the best or I don't even know what they wanted from me.

How do you sit in a room with black and white people? I mean people who just think in black in white? I am supposed to think like them, and just look at these black and white questions that to me, are anything but black and white. No, to me, it was my life, my love, my everyday happiness. The one thing I did that made up for all the abuse that took place in my past. I cant even utter the words PTSD. Because they will take it as a weakness, mental illness or even see if they can somehow use it against me. And god forbid they see whats back there, why should my neighbor get to know that and and throw it in my face?

This winter was terrible. I don't how I kept up with these bills caused by all this damage. I had to be some kind of bill genius. And then every day I had to shovel the snow. I had to get the ones out that needed to move around because the damage they have hurts and they need to move around and even the cold makes it worse and I can see it in thier faces.
They look at me as if I can fix them and I CANT FIX THEM. I don't even know the full extent of how bad it is for them NO MONEY TO DO THAT.

I am trying to run what is left of my business only TO PAY THESE BILLS THAT KEEP COMING AND ALL I CAN DO IS PAY THE INTEREST THAT KEEPS GOING UP. I also have to try to make enough to feed them and take care of them. Somedays are so hard, I forget to eat. I can't even look at the mounting paper work either. I know I should add some bills and organize some more, BUT I CANT EVEN LOOK AT IT.

I keep hoping that somehow I will get stronger in every post. I also think of them as a way to not think of what I have to think of every day on some level. I wish it could just be a memory, but it hasn't been that way. NO THEY HAVE TO KEEP IT CONSTANT IN THE WINGS DRAW IT OUT, KEEP IT HANGING OUT THERE. Maybe they are hoping I will give up.
At this point who the **** knows.

I thought that I had gained some ground. I tried calling my lawyer, another reminder of that black and white and the impatience and lack of knowing THAT I HAVE PTSD THEN NOW, TODAY AND TOMARROW. No, that is not understood here and so I HAVE TO HIDE IT. It is not easy to do this especially when I LOST SO MUCH THAT I REALLY LOVED AND I SEE IT EVERY DAY OUTSIDE IN HERE ON THE TABLE COVERED WITH BILLS.

I know that there is this quote, cant say where it comes from, LOVE THY NEIGHBOR. Well, to be honest, I don't think Im ever going to be able to do that. I did everything possible to warn this neighbor to stop his dogs from trespassing, I did every thing possible to explain how it could effect me. I even had to endure back pain because they wouldn't listen and I had a green horse on a lead rope that spooked suddenly and reared up because suddenly one of their dogs was behind it. They only laughed and said the dog could not hurt the horse, no they just didn't get it.

No, they didn't understand that I had just almost lost my life and still was recovering and had finally bought myself my own horse because I spent all my time on my daughter and her horse. No, they had to make sure they shot off huge fireworks not very far from my barn and horses. I could have been killed as I tried to calm that horse down, and I WAS STILL RECOVERING FROM HAVING MY WHOLE BODY CAVITY OPENED UP TO SAVE MY LIFE.

No, NONE OF THEM UNDERSTAND WHAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH EVERY DAY. I am only considered some weak person who is now somewhat isolating. My lawyer is pretty cold and short with me.

So, whenever I post a long page of something that may talk too much.
Well, that means I really need to think about something ELSE.

I really wish there was someone here, outside here, anywhere that could tell me what to do with that. Because I tried to talk to my lawyer today and he told me I have another deposition coming, but he doesn't get it that I really need to have time to at least try to get prepared.

Open Eyes