(FYI-- I inadvertently posted this on "Travelers Internet Lounge" by accident... I'm posting again here. "Newbie" mistake... Sorry.)

Hi Everyone,

I’m going to apologize up-front for this post being so long. I can’t fit in everything that’s happened to me, but I’ll try to condense it as best I can. I am new not only to this site, but, also to this entire forum. By forum, I mean that I have never been involved with anything interactive online. So, I hope you will bear with me.

In my assumption, I am now experiencing the worst time of my entire life. Which is saying a lot, believe me. My life has been an uphill struggle all the way. I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining, but in order to try to get my thoughts across, I have to go into some background.

I grew up in an alcoholic and abusive environment. I survived, but of course I carry the emotional scars with me. The worst part about that was the fact that it made me the caretaker of everyone in life. I had one sister, a half-sister, and a half-brother. My brother left when he was sixteen to get away from my dad. I was the only one he kept in contact with through the years that followed. No one else wanted anything to do with him because of his alcoholism, etc.

I used to be close to my half-sister. More so than I was with my full-blooded sister. I mentioned about me being the caretaker of the family. I always looked out for my siblings in every way. My dad never really thought of my half-siblings as his true children and it caused many problems. I only refer to them as my half-siblings for clarity in trying to explain the situation. I always thought of my brother and sisters as just my siblings, period.

I’ll try to get more direct. I met my ex-husband when I was 16 and he was 18. Basically, it was my first real relationship. We dated for 5 years before we were married. I was pregnant with my first child at the time, but we were getting married, anyway, so that was no biggie to us. We divorced just weeks before our 25th anniversary. My biggest heartache is that we divorced. It’s hard to explain. Life got in the way. It happened because all my life I took care of everybody. My siblings, my parents, my kids, my friends, my kids friends, etc… I never knew anything different. I never leaned on anyone because I had too many people leaning on me. I finally broke when my mom died.

I can’t even explain it. To me, it’s like watching a movie when I think about it. My husband was losing his job after 25 years. I was working in an awful work environment. It was absolutely awful. I used to cry everyday on the way to work. I stayed because my mom was dying at the time, my husband was losing his job and we needed income and healthcare. I should not have stayed. It ruined my life. Even though my sisters were around, I took on most of the care of my parents when they were sick and dying. I really never grieved for my dad when he passed. I was too busy taking care of my mom and my own family. When she died, everything hit me so hard. She died two weeks before her birthday and two months later, I was separated from my husband. When she died, I went into a deep depression, but nobody noticed. I kept trying to go on, but everything was mechanical. I struck up a friendship with a younger man who was connected through my job. We used to go for coffee at lunch break and he would try to help me get through everything I was going through at my job. To me, I only thought of it as emotional support. One day I went to the beach, to watch the waves, and this man rode by and saw me there. We started talking and he asked if I wanted to go to Newport with him. So, we went. Again, I didn’t think anything of it. My mistake. Anyway, a friend of my husband’s saw us together and told him. Whatever he said couldn’t have been much. All we did was go to a few shops and get a coffee. That’s it.

My husband confronted me about it. I was so confused I don’t even remember how I reacted. After that, he began to go into my emails and follow me, etc. Things got so bad I asked for a separation. I needed to get my head together. Unfortunately, it never happened. He called me incessantly, at work and at the hotel I was staying in. He continued to follow me, left notes on my car and other things. I finally broke down at work and ultimately took out a restraining order just to try to calm down and think. There’s so much more, but this is too long as it is.

To try to sum it up, I never wanted a divorce. I feel that I was pushed me into it. I remember being in court like a zombie. I kept looking at him in the courtroom, waiting for him to say something, but he never did. I went home and cried so hard.

I tried to reconcile with him many times before the divorce. I tried in the only way I knew how at the time. I knew I had hurt him and wanted him to say he still wanted to be with me. It never happened. The only time he asked me was during the time we were separated and he was harassing me so much, I couldn’t even think straight. I never answered one way or another. I felt like I was in shock.

It’s been five years and I’m still in love with my ex-husband. I always have been. It was a terrible time for both of us, but he will not forgive me. I’ve had three relationships since our divorce. I tried so hard to try to reconcile with him, but he wouldn’t and I became so very lonely. Now, he’s turned all his feelings off to everyone and says he’s changed and can’t feel anymore. This breaks my heart. I'm still close to his family and they don't like him to be like this, either. They think we should reconcile, but he won't listen to anyone.

Other people have told me to move on, so please don’t give that advice. I’ve tried so hard, but my heart and soul just won’t let me. The last relationship I had, I broke off because he wanted to marry me and I realized I just couldn’t because I am still in love with my ex.

To make matters worse, my family wants nothing to do with me. My kids barely talk to me unless they want something from me. I lost my job over a year ago and became very ill. I have no healthcare and can’t seek medical help, even though I have fibromyalgia, gastritis, and have 98% of the symptoms of Lupus. I’m seeking help from state disability, but I can’t afford the blood tests they want me to have done. I have no heat or hot water and have been getting by with food from the local food bank. No phone (I’m using someone else’s computer for the Internet), and my utilities are in threat of being shut off. It’s just a terrible situation.

I have been to therapy, but unfortunately, it was of no help to me. I’m trying to hang in there and would really appreciate any suggestions or morale support. I really have no one to talk to.

Sorry again for the length of this post. Thank you for reading…