How does someone become comfortable with having sexual interactions? I love my fiancee very much and every time we get close it is really great. I feel like i can trust him. I feel like he is just wonderful. Then suddenly something happens and i freak out. I have a really hard time with just cuddling. I've been engaged to him for a year and a half and i'm still a virgin. Only because he wants to respect my wishes. The only problem is that I feel like everytime we start to cuddle, I enjoy it and then suddenly i think what more is this going to lead to? Are we just doing this so that he can climax, or because he likes to see me climax? I've talked to him about this so many times and he trys his best to convince me otherwise. I know he loves me. I've never known anyone love anyone more than he loves me. I love him too. Then sometimes, I am relaxed and things are ok. When things are ok, I get suddenly really tired. Or i get a headache. Or we just pick inconvient times, like times when i am tired. The problem with that is that being with him is my only place where i really feel safe right now. So I automattically feel more relaxed when i'm with him. So it's like i'm always tired. He tells me that maybe we should just have sex so that I can get past it, and maybe i'm just scared of the next step. I know that he will never take advantage of me and that this is just a suggestion of his. Then he says that he wants my first time to be special for me to. But that makes me feel like he doesn't understand. Of course he doesn't understand, he's not me. The thing to is that we have tried cuddling and he even tells me that he just wants to cuddle. But then these serious of thoughts go through my head like well is he just saying that because he is trying to calm me down enough so that i would want to have more? Then usually, i'm the one who makes the move on him. I just don't understand what to do! I'm scared that it's going to be like this even when we are married. I talked to him about this last night and he said that he doesn't want our wedding night to be like torture for me. He wants me to enjoy it as well. So he thinks that we should wait to get married because he doesn't think i'm ready for it. (which we are going to wait anyway, because of finacialy rasons.) I feel like the only way i can have someone that mentally close to me is if i also get physically close as well.... but i'm a Virgin!!! So it's not like i'm getting very physically close. But we do make contact. I'm just really confused right now. Is this normal? I can't see a therapist right now. I don't have the money. And second, if i do and ANYONE in my family finds out, then not only would i be heavily insulted, but i'm scared that i might be thrown out. So what i need to know is what can i do for myself? I know there are self-help books, but I don't know which ones.. i don't know if these feelings are normal. I really need input on this.
-Audrey