Lynn the one that I melted over is schizophrenic (paranoid type).Previously he had been hospitalized for his psychosis,and currently he is in prison for arson,and breaking parole.The arson charge was waged due to his act of making a public fire for warmth,while he was under delusion.Was small in size,with no ill intent.At the time he was living in a house nearby which I rented a room for him in.He came up missing.I put a missing persons report out for him,and when it panned out that they couldn't find him,I began to call jails.Found that he was jailed and awaiting sentencing.He refused calls,and visits for the jail time,except the first visit,but he was so very ill,that he thought I wanted him to sign papers for enlistment to the military.At this point,he ceased allowance of communication between me and anyone who could keep me informed as to his status and welfare.His pre-18 hospitalizations were ones in which I rec'd him into my hands (as good as we can get him) And always spun into refusal of meds so that he was soon a serious danger to self/others.As far as meds....it is not 'against the law' to go unmedicated.....as an adult he retains the right under most circumstances.W/O his consent from him to interact with his doctors (beyond age 18) they are allowed to accept phone calls which inform them of anything I deem sensitive or informative on his regard,but remain ,by law,unable to give information.Med-compliance is optional,school psychiatrists accomodated his educational needs,and he always 'cheeked' his meds....would retain them orally,while pretending to swallow,to his psychotic episodes gradually became worse as schizophrenia is a progressive organic disease of the brain and is degenerative.His illness became apparent at the age of 15 1/2.....and spiraled after a stressful episode in school and a forced enrollment to the 'young marines' specifically its bootcamp period.In which my wonderfully compassionate,empathetic husband became a monster.

As far as my marriage,I had another talk with him.He will relocate me,and wants me to figure expenses and some other things that I need to research.I feel it is irreconcilable.When my mum and her husband were dying of lung cancer and astrocytoma,I stayed beside their beds,alone,when Stevin had his chrones disease at it's height (in hospital on feeding tubes and almost always in a near comatose state of pain management,I was there all day and night.....alone.When Ryan (my youngest),got m.s symptoms,and was hospitalized,and was looking at a permanent loss of his bodys use I went through that alone,when I lost my brains ability to even recognize my children,I was viewed as something he could do very awful sexual things to and who'd tell?I had looked at every angle,and attempted many fixes,blind acceptances,discussion,communicating back and forth,sacrifices.....etc,but,it isn't working.Essentially,something has died.Something I cannot revive,and I really did try.The issues are impacting my health,and will to thrive.So,I have had to come to terms with that.Of course I am receiving statements to the effect of well,you don't want to do anything with me,I try to get you to do things with me,you don't want to.Ok,well this is too little too late,and doing things with him has always meant I hang out with strangers he is working for,and try to navigate the unfamiliar conversational territory with 'whoever' while he fixes things.He has an excuse for why abuse to the boys occurred,why he has done things to me which people dont want to discuss in public,why he injured my animals,why he was an absent parent,husband,....just his holy explanations.Nothing along the lines of ...."Wow,I can see where you're coming from...why you'd feel this way,maybe we could...._____,just well I did/do A for this reason....I did/do B for this reason______."Certainly not a ...."OMG You know,maybe I fkd up in light of a few of these things.....or hmm...how can we get this to be better....." The deal breakers are very big.There is no simple fix for much of this.And I was the glue that held every aspect of marriage/parent responsibilities together,held our childrens psychies in tact,I ran his baths,cooked for him and served him,kept the house spotless,attended all the boys events....alone,made posters that listed his qualities that made him special to me,brought him flowers,back rubs,dropped whatever I was doing in a moments notice to assist him where ever it was evident he needed it,and tried to negotiate the violent waters his moods brought...I could go on for days.Yes,I made so many mistakes,and have always tried to own 'my sh--"....repair my character defects....smooth troubled waters between every child,him,and myself.I did it alone.I'm done,today....and from this point.


"clean break"......just my sentiments exactly.

~W~