Sorry Troy,
I didn't see this post, I must have just missed it or it got covered with another thread.

As far as the intertwining of your youth experienced and what you are dealing with now,
well, yes they do intertwine. It was a time when you felt other fear and confusion and didn't understand. We are all our experiences from the very beginning Troy. So when something really sets us off, it is all there, all the parts of our own history from the beginning. And no matter what age you are, you are all of that age from the beginning of experienced life and learning and growning with the others around you. Parents, relatives and even friends and teachers, it is all there, every emotion and experience, good or bad.

I know that it is hard to control our emotions sometimes. The Flashbacks can come and we may not realize exactly why. I have found that if they do come I try to identify what set it off. And then I try to work on thinking about what did set it of and then I concentrate. And there is really no simple answer, it does take time, and now, there is no place to go to escape it. We cannot drink it away or drug it away. It just doesn't work. We have to consciously work at it and come to terms with it. And it is our own private journey, and no, others are not always going to understand. That is why therapy helps, finding someone who will listen and help us understand.
Also getting good support, being with others that can be understanding and compassionate. That really helps, just knowing that others feel it too, and it is not just you. That is so precious
I think that is why I like PC and I do reach out, and say, me too. I think thats what I needed to hear when I came here. And it didn't really happen overnight I was afraid here too. Just like you, I didn't really know exactly what was wrong and even felt guarded somehow. Afraid to open up, to myself, and even others.

And I know what it means to try, feel akward, maybe even be misunderstood and want to isolate from others like us even in here. Sometimes I feel like I can't even be confused or mentally ill right. Even if I say, no, Im not right, somethings not right, will that make others afraid of me, or not accept me, or even be threatened by me? Well, it happens outside PC too.

I look at others so differently now. That person down the street somewhere that never seems to come out of their house and may even seem unfriendly. Someone who lashes out at me and I feel upset like I did something wrong. Well, I have learned that it is not always me, someone is struggling and they are angry or confused themselves in some way.

I also understand how others critisize not only me but others for being different somehow, weak somehow. I can see it in my own relationships with others. Someone feels like they need to fix me and if they cant, they don't seem to realize that they can't fix me, no, they don't understand what it is that I feel. Even my own reactions towards others as I know they just don't get it somehow. And to be honest, I really wish that I could find a therapist that could really explain to my family how hard it really is for me. How some of the things they do and say makes it worse and even more frustrating. And yes, I do overreact in frustration, but now I see it, well thats a start.

Its almost like you try and then that moment comes where you react poorly and it makes everything so difficult, the conversation the event, the interaction with others. Then you get angry because it reminds you that somehow others still don't understand you even when you try. Frustrating, if you look at my mood with that little face, that is what I am all the time.
And I really do want to change that Troy. I am trying, but it is frustrating.

For example just the other day I talked to my attorney. Well as I told you I had really worked hard on the flashbacks and was doing much better at not having them come. But when I talked to my Lawyer, I started again and all my flashbacks came with the physical and emotional reactions and I got frantic. And to be honest, it took me a while to calm down. Just like you I came to PC just posted in fear and anger because I thought I had overcome so much. And I was very angry that I was struck down so bad.

For me I just wanted to run to people who had flashbacks and sudden onsets of all the bodily things that occur. I was not in a frame of mind to stop and think at all. I really understand the frustration of it. Even the anger of trying to control it. And also the fact that it is hard to explain to others, they just don't understand. I also understand how we distance. I do it too, because I can see others don't understand and well even a close friend just didn't get it and hurt me by telling me, I wanted to have it happen or I should get myself together.
I really cared for my friend, but I dont' call her now. I don't want someone to yell at me, I do enough of that to myself and it only reminds me of the fact that others don't really understand.

Stupid me, I wasn't even thinking, I wrote and wrote, I wanted so bad for someone to give me something Troy. I needed a word or something to calm me down. I do know how hard it is Troy. It can make you so frantic. Truely not even think rationally. I think that I hate that most of all. Its frightening and lonely and very confusing. I almost think there should be a forum that says, Im not thinking right and being irrational could someone get my mind set back? Maybe some kind of open thread that says, Whatever just come, rant, vent, irrationalize, don't have to spell right, can sound confusing, out of place, off topic, its ok if you leave out words. Or even have no real topic just a complete emotional expression that is understandably out of sorts.

No, that was me yesterday and the day before, I got worse and then everyone around me that I tryed to grab, they just all tore me down. I didn't say this right, or do that right or it was inappropriate behavior. And somehow, no one had to tell me that or even show their anger, no, I had enough of my own. No, I did everything wrong Troy, and I did try to somehow reach out.

I know how it feels to just want someone to help it stop or it just can make you angry and so irrational. Yesterday, everyone was angry at me and I had a horrible day. The only good moments I had were with the children I saw that day. Thank god for them. I don't know what it is about the children, being with the pony, it helps so much. Maybe because they don't really look at me so much, just their own joy or the pony. I was really afraid because I had to take a pill and I was really bad. I don't like to take medication and drive and deal with people.

Well, I am here Troy. I am listening and I do understand. It can be so hard. Just know I understand the anger and frustration and I will listen.
I know what its like to feel like you have nothing to grab onto to calm you down. It is a lot of work and I too get very frustrated. And last night, I was really shot and exhausted and did not want to hear whatever I did or said that was wrong. I could feel my heart pounding and I don't like that. I have to really concentrate my way through it. And yes, it feels very alone and even scary. Someone posted, its not you, it is the PTSD talking. I really appreciated that post. It was a message, someone understands out there yes, thank you for reminding me and putting it into perspective.

I am here, I will listen, try to help. I had wanted to hear that the last two days. I couldn't seem to get it, and I did really need it. And it really made me want to disappear. But there is today, that time for realizing that I am still fighting PTSD and I will make mistakes. And, no, others are not going to understand it. And yes, others are going to repremand me but I do have to take it all in and learn from it. Try better next time give myself another chance.

I will listen Troy, I do know how important that is.

Open Eyes