Swimjim, this has been a truly enlightening thread... you've managed to open a dialogue that has really shown all the perspectives that could be playing into both your girlfriend's positioning and your own. The thing that strikes me the most is that for those who have not been married and define success in a relationship by marriage, probably as your girfriend does (maybe because she's not had a marriage yet and hasn't found out that marriage is not easy and takes even more work than the relationship that grew into the marriage), that marriage seems to be the only valid way to exercise love and commitment to a partner. Ultimately, and perhaps you already have a pretty good benchmark set in your mind on what leads to a marriage that doesn't last, you are saying that you have a lot of love and commitment to give, but the relationship needs to be good before a good marriage can result.

"My way or the highway" is not a choice. It is no choice for the one facing the threat of losing someone he loves if he doesn't do what she wants, on her terms, in opposition to his experience and instincts. I think your indecision on this issue is proof positive that you can't reconcile yourself with the notion that you've been given any kind of choice here. Historically, marriages do not make this kind of discrepancy any better, especially when the stresses of combining households, finances, child rearing, etc, add even more weight to the relationship. If the two of you don't have compatible decision-making, negotiating, and communication skill sets now, you are going to have a mountain of problems later. A marriage isn't just a vow you make to each other before God, it's not just a piece of paper filed with the state, it's not a big party you have to make it "official"-- it's an identity and a way of life. It's the new entity formed by two former individuals, who are now a united front, taking on the world as one. If two strong, self-actualized individuals don't go in, one strong unit cannot be the result. Wanting to make sure you start off with the best possible individuals operating from common understanding, willing to make compromises lovingly, not sacrifices begrudgingly, is the position of a mature, experienced, open-minded, loving individual, and that seems like who you are. Kudos to you for truly doing what you believe is best not only for you, but ultimately for the both of you and what you are aiming to become.