to see the psychologist for the first part of an assessment. Not sure how I feel about it. Numb I think.

I feel in a strange place. I am much better than I was two, three months ago when I was battling to get the hospital to assess me. But the point of my battling has always been more that I want to try to find a way to evade the depression in future than to cure this particular episode, and that I want some help with dealing with the extreme DID symptoms. So while I know I am recovering, and I am relieved about that (although things are still very grey most of the time), there is a temptation to play that down tomorrow in order to prove myself in need of help. It is such a battle to get help, the help my GP and counsellor, thepsychiatrist and social worker all say I need. I keep having glimpses of how ill I have been, and it scares me. It is all the more frightening knowing the high probability that I will be in that place again, without help. So much seems to ride on tomorrow.