I don't know what Im doing making this thread. What good does it do to complain to complete strangers? What good does it do to even complain at all?

.... but, this is what I do, I write. So, I will tell you all what hell Im going through at this very moment.

It is immense, this pain that I feel, the pain of even being awake, of even breathing. Logically I know what needs to be done to grasp the light again but, how am I supposed to do that when I can't even get out of bed?

This time around seems so much worse than past "downs". Even my body hurts this time. I literally feel my muscles shrinking.

How am I going to make it through the day tomorrow? All of my family will be over and I will need to fake being ok all day long. I tried practicing in the mirror today. I faked a smile and its just not believable! Even while grinning ear to ear I still wear a gigantic (frown ?).... No, not a frown, its a "nothing" face, either way, everyone will see that Im not happy. I don't want to have to lie to people when they ask how I am doing but, I also don't want to tell everyone how I feel.....

What hell is this that I am stuck in?..... I dont even know what else to say.... Sorry!