ALRIGHT ((((((((((((((((KimmyDawn)))))))))))

Working with triggers is hard, upsetting, scarey and exciting all at once. So I know how hard that was for you to take that jump and say ok lets do it, lets shake things up here and see what happen.

I started working with triggers back in 2001. At first I didn't realize thats what my therapist at that time was doing. We would be together and she told me to start telling her when I get that floaty far away feeling that I get when I go into my la la land. Ok no problem I did. Each time this happened at first she just let me go off to la la land...At this point I was still trying to prove the diagnosis from the past of MPD wrong so she didnt tell me the reason she did that was because she was keeping track of what made me do that (the trigger), and was trying to match that trigger with whatever memory piece that I acted out.

Then sometimes she would bring up a topic and I'd get that floaty feeling. I know know that she was confirming that trigger was the trigger not a different word or phrase in the topic we were discussing. One day after she had a fair amount of my triggers stored in her memory and had confirmed them She started using them at first in ways I wouldn't notice because I was still fighting against being DID. But it wasnt long before I noticed more and more we would be talking about those harder topics and she started asking me to "stay where I could see" her. "stay where I could hear" her and being more forceful in making me talk about what I was seeing, hearing, feeling and so on.

One day we were together and before she even started on a particual topic I faught it. Every time that was brought up I changed the subject, I tried to distract her. I didn't know why this was happening in our session but I knew one thing I didn't like it and that day I was not going to go along with talking about anything she brought up. But that day she had her sight set on one particular thing and no matter what did or said she just kept repeating the same question - I handed her a book she set it on the floor and repeated the question. I asked her a question she gave a yes or no and repeated her question. I handed her my journal and art work which always worked for a distration. She put it on the floor and repeated her question. I finally said "you are doing this on purpose aren't you?" Yes repeated question. You know I am going to start floating? Yes repeat question. You are going to trigger me on purpose. Yes repeat question. Finally I said ok smart a-- what gives theres always a reason behind your madness.. She started to laugh and told me that the triggers is what makes me float off so using those triggers is how we find out what those memories are that makes me do things that I cant remember, like every time I am near Cynthia the DHS caseworker I lose time. Cynthia doesnt know about the DID but she must have figured out how to trigger you and the only way we can take care of it is to trigger you, find out what you don't remember and shut off the trigger. I was scared but I hated Cynthia more and I wanted my son home. So I took that leap and agreed to keep working the triggers.

But once I figured out what she was doing it was like an instant wall going up. I would see that topic or trigger coming and fight against it. My therapist was always predictable. You knew the minute you saw her what mood she was in, you knew no matter what time the session is she was going to be 15 minutes early or late. She always started her sessions the same way, the progression of the session too was like floating on a lake, everything just floated from one thing to another in a smooth calm way.

Well somewhere along the way she stopped being predictable. Which totally threw me off. Suddenly I could fight against what she was doing in sessions because I didn't see those triggers coming - one minute we would be talking and having a good old time and BAM theres the trigger loaded question or statement. Man I hated that but it worked.

After the sessions where she threw triggers at me I felt alot of things - first I was confused - why didn't I see that coming? and so many fast forwards thoughts that didn't seem to connect to each other. Id spend alot of time writing, trying to write what I was hearing down just as fast as they were there, taking lots of baths, listening to music. But in a couple days everything slowed down to a dull roar where I could think again,

Each time my therapist used the same type triggers I got stronger at being able to stay where I could hear and see her at the same time as experiencing the memory. At first I couldn't do it then I could for a second or two and slowly longer. Afterwards I was brain (thinking) and sometimes physically tired too. like it took every bit of energy to hold myself in that spot where I could hear and see my therapist.

I think working triggers is in part about trust because in order to do the work needed for working triggers the person nedds to have complete trust in their therapists judgement and what they are going to do during the process, and there needs to be the trust of knowing that after the trigger work that therapist is going to be available no matter what and no matter when day or night. Working triggers stirs everything up. Working with triggers also can't be done in a specific time frame. You may schedule that 50 minute hour but that memory that has been broken into may need 20 minutes or it may need 2 hours to get all the information needed to start forming a plan in future sessions for deactivating that trigger with coping tools. One hidden memory can have more than one trigger associated with it. So it also may take more than one session to get the information surrounding the different triggers. So my therapist and I fell into having our sessions at a time of day when she knew she would be going home after time with me, that way it didn't matter how long it took to get her answers and she didn't have to jump into another session with someone else.

Theres also the fact that this doesn't only stir up the client. The therapist needs to have trust in the client and themselves so that they are not second guessing themselves during the actual process. They are not going to be able to work triggers and then be able to just jump into the next client for their brain is busy trying to process all the information that they just got.