I'm sorry this is so long I'm very upset by the whole thing and feel betrayed.

I'm not sure anyone will see this before I have to leave, but I know the reason I haven't gone to bed is becouse I don't want to think about today's therapy comming up.First I have to go see my PCP who treats me like a public drug addict #1 and delusional MI case, then I see my T who I thought I knew and could trust. Last week just before I left, why; I don't remember but the issue of me being bipolar came up. I was thown into a tailspin--we've been though this before. I'm not bipolar. If I am on antidepressants any kind I will become manic or have a mixedminia mood. On my own without medicine I've never been manic, my pdoc tells me that means I have a predilection towards bipolar but I was misdiganosed. I had a medication reaction, and should not ever take antidepressants, speed like drugs, caffine(ah-thats why I never liked coffee!), or be under constaint stress.

Then about a year ago because I have SSDI my pdocs and PCPs change constantly, I was seeing a brand new out of school pdoc and I had not been able to sleep because of the pain, everybody was in agreement that the pain was keeping me from getting restful sleep, so this new pdoc was going to put me on Ambian, but I was to scared to take it. (all the ads talk about the things you can do on sleep meds -like eat-walk-drive ect----I have a history of disassociating and walking in my sleep-I would get picked up by the police because I was walking around in my sleep ware with no shoes in MN in the cold) With my history I was terrified of it. So she said she would put me on Trazadone, in my sleep deprived state a bell went off and I asked if that was an antidepressant and she said it was an inbetween med that was used for sleep and anxiety(she didn't really lie!). A month and a half later I was in the hospital after decades of not having to be in one and everything was falling apart(I lost friends, by telling them about their drinking habits-true yes-but in a hurtful way-one did stop drinking though and is doing much better). My T was telling me I was Bipolar II mixed and this new Pdoc was saying I was bipolar I mixed, and I was back in a different hospital(a whole nother fun story I don't want to talk about). I've had the same T for years, I think its been 5 maybe 6 years, in all that time I've never been manic until this. At both hospitals I told them I could not take antidepressants and refused to take the antipsychotics they were tring to give me, so they labeled me with personality disorer NOS. (it really was a fun year, last year) Yet not one pdoc told me that the trazadone was really an antidepressant.

I was really getting bad and went to the pharmacy to talk to the pharmacist, he took one look at me and asked me to go to the little counter for counsults. He looked up my meds, I told him I felt like I was on speed, or an antidepressant--he said you are! Thats how I found out I was on a antidepressant, he wanted me to call the pdoc and get weaned off, I didn't trust her and weand myself off. The next time I saw her she couldn't believe how different I was, but refused to believe it was because of the meds. While I was in the hospital I did agree to try the Ambian and I took it with no side effects, so she gave me that and I took off for 4 months to stay with my family and when I came back told the Pdoc I was done with her. She sent me a letter telling me I was biploar and delusional and needed to see someone urgently, and asked whee to send my records. I had met the Pdoc at the pain clinic told him about all this, his was pissed off and (I saw him because all pain pat. have to have one visit with him, and that was my 1st time) told me I could see him and told me the other Pdoc was right it was a medication reaction, and he did not want their records.

So after all that, was over in Jan, I had a new Pdoc I was off the antidepressants. My T and I talked it though and she agreed I wasn't bipolar but it was a reaction to medicine. Then last week she's telling me I'm bipolar, just before I 'm leaveing! It felt like such a violation. After all the time we've been together. She tells me she likes working with me because I'm refeshingly honest, but I'm lying about this? She has twice gone with me getting off drugs, and says I'm much better off without Pdrugs? The first time was 4 years ago. I thought anyone who was bipoar had to take Pdrugs? I don't know why it feels like such a violation, theres lots of other poeple who have both bipolar and PTSD, I don't know I almost lost it, I felt on the verge of hestria, like I was going to start laughing and crying at the same time and never stop. It was like entering the twilight zone, I could hear Rod Sterling...and here is a woman, she's been in counseling with the same T for some years now, or so she thinks....lets watch now as she enters the twilight zone and finds out her T has been replaced.

I don't know if I can say anything or not. I know I don't feel comfortable. I've been angry, at her, but this this just feels like such a violation.