Hi rxwillow,
My post is long too!
I have to say that I can only give you information from my experience. Since I don’t know all the details I will just let you know what I think and I hope something I have to say can help you.
Your situation is eerily familiar with my husbands and mine and when I read your post I really related to a lot of things.
My husband went thru the same things you mentioned. He wasn’t ready for a serious relationship (marriage) but he did it anyway. There was a lot of things he felt he should be able to provide for me but wasn’t in a position to do so. He had a lot of guilt and anxiety about it. He also wanted to hang with his friends and spent a lot of time away doing fun things alone or with friends and I was stuck at home. Our situation is a little different because I moved to another country to be with him so I didn’t have a personal foundation of work, family or friends. I don’t think a couple needs to be together every minute. It’s important to spend time on your own or doing your own thing. There has to be a balance. My husband is also a musician and music is important. Sometimes it can take a lot of time and energy but I believe that if that is something you are really interested in you have to persue it. Again, it’s just a matter of balance.
My husband held in a lot of anger about us getting married since he wasn’t ready, not able to provide and felt like he was losing his “single life”. He didn’t realize I would never take away his life but only wanted to enhance it. He took out his frustrations and anger on me. It was horrible. I didn’t understand what was happening and why. I hadn’t done anything but love him. It was a hard, isolating, sad time for me. We fought a lot and I tried to explain to him what he was doing and how it was hurting me but he, like you, didn’t realize what he was doing. He apoligized but nothing changed and nothing stopped. For me it was hurt after hurt after hurt. I felt so unimportant. I knew he loved me but he didn’t care. I didn’t have the option to leave so I am still here.
It really does blow my mind reading your post how many things you guys did the same. At the same time you are totally different. You seem to realize there is a problem and want to make it right. It’s so hard for me to write this and think clearly because I feel like we are in the same situation but at the opposite sides. Maybe you can give me some insight into the why’s of all this because I have a really hard time understanding how it happened myself.
The main thing I think is trust. You broke her trust. You said she was afraid of being hurt again. In essence she doesn’t trust that you won’t hurt her. I can relate to that. My husband has given me reasons why he did what he did but for me there is just no excuse and there really is no way to make up for it. It’s really confusing. On one hand I want this marriage to work but at the same time I can’t understand how it went so wrong to begin with that I can’t be sure it won’t happen again. It isn’t up to me how my husband treats me, it’s up to him. It’s scary because I have no control over the situation and have to leave it in his hands to do the right things. Problem is I don’t trust him to do that. Does that make sense at all?
I think you are doing the right thing by getting some therapy. You are not a bad person but like you said, something made you act that way and you don’t know how or why you could treat someone you love so much that way. I think it’s great that you are seeking help. Even if this doesn’t work out with her you will not carry this into another relationship in the future. I also think quitting your job was smart. Stressful jobs are not worth it. They take a toll physically and emotionally and no job is worth that kind of stress.
You said you were afraid that by the time you got yourself in order it would be too late but also said you are still having some intimate moments of cuddling together. That is a plus. That means that she still cares for you. She may not believe in Counseling but it does work and she will see a change in you. She also will know that you are making an effort to do whatever you can to make things right. Whether she goes to counselling with you is not important. Do it for you and concentrate on that. The future will take care of itself and your counsellor can help you decide if she should come or not. The counsellor should also be able to give you some information on what you could tell her to make her understand what you are feeling and thinking.
You do need to give her space. It’s okay to let her know how you feel but not to pressure her. The more you push the more she will push away. Let her know you are there and your not willing to give up but don’t smother her. My husband never stopped saying he loved me even when he knew I wouldn’t say it back. I haven’t really said it for about a year but he still tells me everyday. That is important to me. It says something about him. Most people wouldn’t say I love you when they KNEW they wouldn’t hear it back. He never pressures me to say or do anything that I don’t want to. Sometimes his hugs made me cringe but he wanted to show me his love and even though I was uncomfortable it still meant something to me. Now I appreciate those hugs.
In my case I don’t feel there is anyway for my husband to make up for what he did and I have also been afraid that what I saw in him is the real him. Now I realize that it is not the real him but he has the potential to be that person if he allows himself to be. Everyone has a “dark side”, some control it better than others. I believe if he went to counselling he would understand the things that make him react that way and he would get tools to work thru those things so they wouldn’t get so ugly and hurtful. I am not so lucky since my husband doesn’t yet see that counselling is really a good option. Don’t give up until you get in to some good counselling.
As for moving and quitting your band, you really need to make that choice. It might be something you could discuss with her. The moving part any way, ask her what would make her the most comfortable.
The only reason I am in this marriage today is because I have seen effort on his part. Not enough to make me want to stay but something. For me, if he voluntarily went to counselling, that would make a huge difference. I know if I forced him he would go but then he isn’t going because he sees a problem. You do and want to fix it. That says a lot about you. Also a big part of it was for a long time he apologized but it never felt genuine. When he apologized and I knew he meant it then I knew he had really realized what he had done. Another part for me was because he was off doing his own thing and not asking me to go with and not asking me to spend time with him I felt that he didn’t want me around. Now, even if he does want me to do or go somewhere with him I always feel like he is doing it cause he has to not because he wants to. I don’t know if she feels this way or not.
Another main thing for me is I don’t feel he is honest with his feelings good or bad. I don’t know if that is something you have to deal with. You said you never really had anyone to talk to about problems. If you are like him he has kept things bottled up. Things that happened or hurt that he never dealt with but he doesn’t even realize they are still there. It would mean a lot for me if he were more honest about how he felt about things. I guess I don’t believe he knows how but it is something that would help a lot. Part if being able to trust him. I think counselling would help him learn how to do that.
I hope we can keep in touch. Hearing you say things about what you did and how you feel about it helped me to understand my husband just a little more. Didn’t know you were helping someone just by asking for help, huh?
Take care of yourself and let me know if you have more questions or just want to talk about it.
Heidu