Don't know if you noticed but I kinda left my father out of the whole thing. It was really hard. We never made up. He was upset with me for ruining his good name! Yup, going into the hospital and getting help(a diganoses, put our whole family into shame and disgrace! Not the creep next droor who did this to me? guess not. Nor my ex who beat me right into the ER, nope me. Never, never be weak, never be les than perfect, TBI, so what.

Any way on my way out of the state(my lovery ex kept showing up and I couldn't handle him on top of all else, so I ran, left the state for the unknown. I stopped at my house to say good bye( I was really hoping that they would say I could stay with them or help me, maybe go to a relatives so I wouldn't be compleatly on my own.... He slaped me and told me I was his greatest shame because I had the greatest potential, and I ruined our good name. I didn't see him again till I went back for his funeral.

That was hard. But my brother-in-law was so nice, he had gotten my sister to relize I had not wanted PTSD(as if). I know your relationship with your dad was different, allways pretty bad. But when I was young I was a big time tom-boy, the son my father never had, and we had lots of good times, I learned to read his mood and disaper when he was close to blowing up. I once watched him tear a snow blower apart with his bare hands because it defied him.(!) Those things are made of metal, his hands were a bloody mess but he couldn't feel it, he was in a red rage--mom had silent rage-she wouldn't talk to you for days or weeks. He was raised on a farm too. Kinda gives a new meaning to farm raised american. Anyway, I just chose to remember the good times, for us there were some, I have a feeling though, if he had any sons, his sons would never have been good enough, thats how he and his brothers were raised. His middle brother is the scariest of all of them. The youngist married well and she wouldn't put up with any __________ He ended up becoming a millionaire a few times over. He talks just as racist as his brothers but only when he's around them. Amazes me that my fathers famly calls themselfs christians, putting everyone down and being racists, and compleatly oblivious how it looks waveing the bible one minute then hateing humans the next. Boggles the mind.

So YEP, I think, (nope, not sarcastic either, just been there-but lucky to be a girl and not a son!) I do have hope for you and your brother, not sure about your father. All the same I'l hope anyway that you can have what I didn't get.

Oh P.S. Trees were my refuge too, I didn't have a woods, but I had the whole contry side, I leave on my horse w/ my dog a book or two, and a can of organges.