i am so sorry for your loss. i know what it is to prepare and plan, to create in your heart a very special place for a person who is a part of you and will always be a part of you, only to be faced with this incomparable emptiness. i wish i could take away your pain, and show you that your life still holds promise and possibility. you will heal. you will not forget, but you will find that every day gets easier. and we are all here for you when the days are long and sad and you need someone to lean on. when you are ready, please find and read the book Swimmer in the Secret Sea, by William Kotzwinkle. it was given to me as a gift many years ago when i finally had the courage to talk about what i'd been through. i waited too long to grieve. i hope that you let the tears come and dont keep your pain bottled up inside. find support and be strong.