I'm just in a cycle and I feel like no one can pull me out of it. It's always the same: feel good, better, better, horrible. Feel good, better, better, horrible. It's been 7 months.. and it's not like I want to go back to him, or really want to talk to him again it's just.. I don't know. I can't get over it. I can't decide if my feelings are justified or I should just throw them away because he was a jerk. It was almost like he had a split personality, a super nice guy and a evil, manipulating jerk all at once. There was already a "closure" session, where truths came out calmly and safely.. but it didn't feel like closure to me because a couple weeks or once just a few hours later I was being treated like crap again for no reason.

There was only one other person who I had such a hard time getting over.. but in reality it was easier because this guy had been consistent. He was the same everyday, and he never lead me on or played around with me. He never liked me, and it was clear from the beginning. It took a while but it was a peaceful getting over, without tears or much hurt, because I wasn't confused.

This time I can't feel better. I can't feel calm or at peace. I'd feel okay if I could trust that everything was honest, it wasn't just sweet lies so I wouldn't feel bad. I'd feel better if I hadn't been constantly dropped and hated, then picked up again and being begged for forgiveness. I can't feel okay when I don't know what part of my life in those 2 years were honest, and which parts were fake. People tell me "it's okay, he'll one day regret it all and wish he still had you". I'm not happy with that unless I know by his own words that he regrets it. I'm not happy just thinking it on my own.. And I'm tired of being though of like I'm obsessed.. I'm not obsessed.. It's not my mind that is occupied with these thoughts.. it's my emotions. It just doesn't stop hurting.

What do I do? Sometimes this hurt isn't even conscious anymore.. it comes out with an obsession for attention, the need to "collect" people as friends to fill an empty heart. It comes out as avoiding music, and feeling angry.. I'm tired of this.. I feel so weak and pathetic.. and I also feel like I'm jurt irritating people every time I post this same scenario on PC or talk about the same set of feelings to friends.. But I don't know what else to do..?