I feel like there is nothing good about me. Two days ago I had a talking to with my ex gf about how I feel worthless. I'm staying at her place until I find a place of my own (I move in in a week), and I've been feeling guilty the entire time I've been here. To make matters worse, I've just begun a really depressive phase and I'm having a lot of trouble pulling out. Tonight was my worst attack in a while. I know a guy who read Don Quixote in portugese when he was 10. He's the most impressive person I've ever met, and he's had a hard life too. Recently, he's been studying Greek, for fun. When I think about him, I feel so worthless I want to stick my head in the oven (don't call the police, if it were that serious I'd say so). In an effort to make myself into a more talented, worthwhile and happy person, I've started drawing again. After my last crappy night, two nights ago, my ex gave me a talking to about trying harder at this project of mine (drawing), which made me happy for a day or so because I was really trying to plug away at it. Tonight I thought about that guy I know again, and I ended up in her room, laying on her bed. I wanted to tell her what I was feeling, but since that pep talk (2 nights ago) I wanted to give her the impression that what she had said had made a real impact on who I am (it hadn't), and I quickly apologized to her under my breathe and left to go out on the balcony. I cried and felt like a complete bastard for what I was doing to my ex, coming into her room and trying to get her attention, acting like I wanted help when really I'm just a drama queen trying to get attention from my depression instead of from something actually worthwhile. My aunt had told me in a previous phone call that I "thrived" on drama, and the more I think about it the worse I feel. I sat on the balcony, feeling like I was just sobbing because I wanted attention to make up for how useless I am. To compound this, it turns out the window was open, and she and her roommate had heard me. I heard a brief conversation between the two about how i'm "pushing her buttons", though I may have not heard her right. She was purposefully ignoring me, and this made me realize that I was right, and I had been making her life hard. To make up for this, I went back into the apartment while frantically whispering "I'm sorry" as I handwashed all the dishes in her sink (there weren't very many). When I was done she came out of her room and hugged me. I asked her why she was hugging me, I pretended not to notice that she was, and then I asked her if she'd heard me outside. She said she had, and I started to hit my head against the cabinets. When she prevented me from doing this any more than I already had, I started hitting myself with my unrestrained hand until she stopped that one. I told her I was sorry and that I was going to move out so she wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. Then when I realized she was hugging me I pushed her away and curled up into a ball on the floor while sobbing and hyperventilating. I felt so bad for what I was doing to her at that moment, I couldn't stop apologizing. She didn't need to come out there and give a damn about me. It was all my fault for being worthless, for not being able to accept that I'm worthless, for being a drama queen, etc. I felt bad that I was both using her couch, and using her for emotional support, support she said she wanted to give, but I was and am sure she would rather not give. I think this because it's hard for me to give that to my friends who are in trouble like I was. I feel like all I do is take and I never give anything back. My ex tried to make me feel better, but I refused all of it. She shouldn't have to take care of me, she's already done so much and I don't deserve it anyway, seeing as how I've wasted every opportunity to make myself a useful person. I didn't learn portugese when I was a kid, I didn't learn how to do anything remotely useful. I sat on my butt and played video games and I'm going to die a loser because I'm still incapable of doing anything useful at this point in my life. I'm too complacent in sitting on the couch and watching movies, and I'm too tired to do anything that would make me feel like a failure if I screw it up (I will). I'm getting too scared to leave the apartment at this point, and now that I'm moving out I know I'm going to let my roommate and my parents down by failing to get a job. I suck.