I really need to get this off my chest....

A distant friend of mine told me that her husband of only 4 months "left". To say I was shocked is an understatement. She seemed so blissfully in love and happy. This was her second marriage. She has four kids under the age of 12 from her previous marriage, and they blended well together. After getting more details, I am left angry and frustrated. Apparently, he is an alcoholic and had a relapse. She is Mormon and drew a very deep line in the sand regarding the alcohol.

My anger and frustration comes from this: she KNEW about his illness and chose to marry him anyway. Did she think that he would NEVER relapse?? I don't know how long he was sober for, but it sounds like he was not seeing a psychiatrist or in any kind of treatment. He has agreed to seek treatment, but apparently they are still divorcing and she is moving to another part of the state.

When did the "in sickness and in health" portion of the marriage vows become a pick-and-choose option??! Now, I understand the toll that substance abuse can take on relationships, and there does come a point where the line has to be drawn and these measures must be taken. But this was his first relapse since they married! And he's willing to seek help! Things may not change overnight, but to rush right into divorce?? This infuriates me. To not even try to help someone you have committed to work through an illness is simply deplorable, IMO.

Another situation that is bringing up these same feelings is the one between my sister and her ex. This is much older baggage, but it is still bothering me. It hits too close to home. My ex-brother-in-law has Bipolar I. About 8 years into their marriage he had a full-blown manic episode. They did not know he was bipolar, and his aggressive and irrational behavior was very frightening. He threatened her life and ultimately ended up waving a gun on the steps of City Hall and was taken to the State Hospital. She left and never looked back, despite his eventual stabilization on Lithium. Not only did she leave him, she made his life hell with all sorts of excessive restraining orders and hoops for him to jump through for visitation with their son - AFTER he was stable. I am also bipolar. While I sympathize with my sister and her fears, I am also angry with her for not giving her ex a chance once they finally diagnosed him and treated him.

My own marriage has not been psychiatrically seamless, and at one point I was not allowed to live at home, but my husband has never played the divorce card. We celebrated 19 years of marriage yesterday.

I guess in addition to needing to vent, I do have some questions for people: how have your relationships withstood the tests of mental illness? If you went into marriage knowing about your illness, what were your expectations of support during sickness? If your illness reared its ugly head after the vows (as mine and my sister's ex's did), how supportive was your spouse? And is your relationship still alive today despite it?

I know this may be a painful topic for some people, and I appreciate any answers people may feel comfortable sharing.