depression draws a distorted picture of what and who we really are. that's where you are now. might i suggest you contact a crisis hotline ASAP? if you can't afford a therapist they can/may refer u to a free MH clinic. based on what i read i don't feel you can do this alone. you need help as i once did. if there's no MH clinic can you go see your GP? he may be able to help you too.
i'm sorry you feel so down, glad you posted this thread. don't give up. get help. hope you will keep us posted and know we care. 
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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
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