Still here...doing better...I finally got the money together to pay my lawyer his retainer and filed for divorce. My son and I moved out and are staying at my moms house. I know I'm doing the right thing. It has basically degenerated into "you are a ***** who fell for someone else and are now destroying my life and I loved you..." This to me is hilarious because we have ALWAYS had problems in our relationship, I would not have fallen for someone else had we not had drifted apart and it is not merely sexual, I have NEVER slept with this man!! Yes, I should have just ended things when I felt we we had separated emotionally instead of trying to force it and filling the emotional gap with this friendship that has evolved into something wonderful but I can only say that as I soon as I realized what I was really feeling I told both my husband and this man and I really didn't do it intentionally. I'm not the type of person to have an affair. How many women find themselves attracted to someone else and come home and tell their husband because they want to be honest about how they feel, because they would feel incredibly guilty if they didn't...and all I had done was FEEL attracted to him, I didn't have some torrid affair. Does that sound like a *****? I knew that I could not feel the way I realized I did about this person and not examine it any longer and just remain married. Just the fact that I felt this way demonstrated for me the level of separation that my husband and I had acheived and really made me look closely the reasons for it. I'm did not leave for this other person but because my feelings for this other person have help me to realize what was lacking in my relationship with my husband and I have decided that they are things that are not reparable. Even if this other person ends up not being who I think he is I will still be OK because I've ralized two very important things that made me steadfast in my belief that I am doing the right thing. I asked myself two questions. 1. If you did not have a child with him would you stay? and 2. If you met him today would you even be friends with him? And sadly the honest answer to both was no. We will never share the little things that I have come to believe are so important. It kills me I guess though because in some warped way he's right...An emotional affair is just as bad as a physical one and I think in his mind he does "love" me but his definition of love and how one should behave towards someone they love is worlds away from mine. I am never going to think that anything I do justifies my being called a ****. He thinks this is acceptable if "I deserve it" I think that if you truly mean what you say when you say you love someone that needs to mean that you will always treat them with a certain level of respect and understanding and he is completely uncapable of giving these thing until "I do it first" And thats what it boils down to with us...complete lack of respect for each other...I resent having had to be the primary breadwinner, that I had to put our son in daycare while he was home because he didn't want to change his sleep schedule, that I had to be the one to care for the house for the most part and that I had to do all this while trying to put myself through school. I completely feel like he rode his parents financial coatails as long as possible and then quite happily made the transfer to mine. I feel like he watched me day in and day out struggling, trying desperately to keep all these little balls in the air, treading water and pulling us forward into new cars, a new house, etc, etc by constantly financially juggling and moving up into better paying jobs while he made only the most minimal efforts that he had too. I ******* resented the fact that I went to family functions without him , HIS and mine because he has this huge issue with his family and HATES them and it is such a problem that he says alot of his anger stems from it but that it somehow does not prevent him from taking money and gifts from them because well "I may as get whatever I can from them and screw them back". I resent that he is completely unaffectionate, the only time he wanted any physical closemness with me was when we having sex and that as soon as the sex was done he was up and gone back into the den to the next computer game. I realize that I just CANNOT respect him as long as he continues to behave the way he does and that he simply refuses to change his behavior because he thinks there is nothing wrong with it and that everyone is just ganging up on him and that everyone elses "bad behavior" is OK so he doesn't understand why his isn't. AND IF aLL THAT WEREN"T ENOUGH...we have absolultey nothing in common anymore. So we are done and I feel good about it...As terrible as the circumstance may be right now I really have found someone who understands me, who treats me like a queen, who is sensitive, compassionate and who is so special, and all the more special because he does not realize how special he is. For example, my soon to be ex today is yelling at me about what toys our son is "allowed" to take with him to my moms IN FRONT OF OUR SON, it is more important to him that I do not "screw him" than it is for him to think about what it does to our son emotionally when he picks a fight with me in front of him, no less when he picks a fight about something related to our son!! It does not even cross his mind that it is not in his sons best interest to hear that. NOW, the man that I am supposedly such a ***** for having fallen for is so concerned about my sons well being that he is like "listen sweetie, I completely understand how slowly you need to take this, that it is really not appropriate for us a see a whole lot of each other until your divorce is through, that you are going through an incredibly difficult time in your life, BUT I want to be there for you, you are strong, you are brave, I admire you. I am, and have been for a long time completely in love with you, please talk to someone about this whole situation though other than me, get some outside perspective, know that my opinion is colored by my feelings and know too that I could never live with myself if I in way hurt your child, I dont even want you to tell him about me, if we pursue this relationship, until you and the psychologist think he has handled the divorce OK and it is healthy for him." How could I not fall in love with this man...spiritually, emotionally, intellectually he is everything my husband was not. He has a warm, loving, close family, he is very open about his emotions all of the time, he is compassionate, sensitive, intelligent, educated. I know it's not the wisest thing but I have completely fallen for him and I just can't feel guilty about it. My husband has trampled me for years and yes I did alot of trampling back but it finally occured to me that he is the one who is unable to maintain a close relationship with anyone, not me. I am not inclined toward anger or ugly disrespect. I do not have a huge unresolved issue with my parents that completely colors who I am but that I am unwilling to acknowledge affects me. I am not a bad person because I have fallen for someone who completes me, who treats me the way I treat him, who wants a partner not someone who simply maintains his lifestyle while he makes a minimum effort, someone who wants to grow as a person, not just financially but spiritually, emotionally and intellctually. Sorry this is soooooooooooooooo long!!