I'm fighting the demons now and it's soooo hard. I don't want to live, but I have no choice but to keep fighting I'm getting so attached to my T, and at the same time I want to push her away because it's painful to feel the love and still know it's just her job, even if I know how much she cares for me. We're dealing with things from the past and I feel more self-abusive than usual. I want to get drunk, I want to hurt myself, I want to drive fast with my car, I want to take walks in the dark, I want to smoke cigs, I even think of how I could end my life...and it's all driving me insane. In therapy today, we did breathing exercises and I was lying on my back, trying to breath calmly and relax. I was shaking from the inside....I had to open my eyes to see where I was, that I was safe. When T asked me questions about the past....how it felt .... I could feel it slightly but it got so strong I went inside myself, dissociating myself. It's so hard to allow the pain to come forward and maybe this is the only thing that can set me free? T says I need to integrate (? english word) the past with my life now. Because I have tried to forget about my past. Thinking it didn't happen to me. That I didn't belong to my parents and everything that happened. .... The thing that keeps me going now is; I don't want to have lived my past for no reason. I am worth so much more and what's sad is that I have treated myself just as badly as my parents and others have.... I'm about to come clean. I am not the one who should be ashame. I put so much trust and effort into therapy now. I'm letting myself become "addicted" to my T, trusting she can bring me out of it..... It's death...or life. Bare with me please. I feel my purpose is to get thru this, and help others. I'm sorry it's taking me so long.

/hazeleyes