CSC

As you know, I have really struggled similar feelings in my marriage.

I was with my ex-hub for 17 years. Before he came along, I really didn't have any positive sexual experiences. I had SA as well as a history of disconnecting during sex. I kind of felt like a robot going through the motions, and often dissociating.

My ex-hub was a decent man to me. He honestly seemed to care about me emotionally ~ and I felt that I owed the sex to him as "payment" of sorts. As the years passed, sex occurred less and less often. Partly due to adenomyosis (pain in uterus), but mostly because of my dread and paranoia. I worked hard, for so many years, with all sorts of T's to help myself feel better about sex. I just couldn't do it.

About 3 years ago, my ex couldn't be there for me anymore. It just was not worth the pain and frustration that came with it. I can't blame him. We separated, and I struggled to figure out who/what I am. About one year later, I met another man that sent "good chills" up and down my spine. We took things slowly at first, and then jumped in with a spellbounding kiss.

In retrospect, I can now see that I never felt this way about my ex. I never had that desire, that want or need to feel him. There is a HUGE difference! It's wonderful to finally actually enjoy sex. Really wonderful!

I do still struggle with exposing my pleasure. Like: letting my bf know how good I feel when we're making love. {My bf complains that I'm so quiet, and expressionless, he doesn't know how I'm feeling.} I am extremely hesitant to ever masturbate. That is just an "evil" act that I can't allow myself to do. I will not allow myself to do it. When I do give in to my bf's desire to watch me, he easily picks up on my hesitation & mood. I do struggle with some shame ~ especially when I think about my marriage. That I was never feeling that way with my ex...which makes me an "evil" person, in my mind. As you can see, getting through these mindsets isn't an easy, overnight process. It can be done ~ but it takes time.

I hope that I didn't talk you ear off. Just want you to know that I really understand what you're talking about. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Oh ~ and regarding how you dress ~ that is an iffy thing, imo. While part of me wants to look good, the paranoid part of me can never look good enough. My self-hate automatically disregards compliments & assumes that the person is full of beans or that they just want sex and will say whatever they think is necessary to get it. Dressing in clothes that fit me did not change my self-image at all. But, maybe that's just me.

Best wishes & gentle hugs sent to you