I have been married for 8 years, mostly happy, at least as happy as i can generally get. I served 6 years in the military and have dealt with ptsd and depression and extreme anxiety since i have come home. I thought things would get better over time but i was completely wrong. My wife does not understand that sometimes i have no real control over my emotions, i am sometimes hard to live with and i can acknowledge that but i try. I try very hard to be like everyone else but i cant seem to just get by. Things with my wife are worse than ever, i have had three panic attacks in the past 4 months and im worried that sooner, rather than later i will lose all control of my emotions. I am afraid and every time i try to talk to my wife about it she dismisses it and then starts to get on my case about other things i am doing that upset her (not doing dishes....etc...... ) it is so hard to just get up and out of bed most days. I have two children, a 4 year old daughter and a 6 month old son. I have not been able to connect with my son, to me it almost seems surreal that he is even here, almost like i am dreaming. my daughter i am trying to connect with but i find myself getting angry at the smallest things. I am never violent towards anyone i know but i am a large muscular man who when angry can be quite imposing.
yesterday my daughter drew a picture of a cloud with an angry face and there were rain drops falling from it, she said it was me when i cry. i have never felt worse in my entire life. My father was a bastard drunk who beat the crap out of me and my brother on almost a daily basis until he left when i was around 10.
i know i am rambling but i dont know where else to go. i am terrified of the future. i see everyone as an enemy, even my own family. i just want to be normal, i just want to have children who dont fear me and a wife who can accept me and not attack me incessantly.
i am lost, i do not see a future for me and even on "good" days i think my life will end soon.
now that my daughter is old enough to see and understand that "daddy is sad" i dont know what to do.
if anyone reads this i would be extremely thankful for any sort of help or opinions.
i barely mentioned my son, and its because i barely think of him and i feel aweful for writing that but its the truth. its almost as if he doesnt exist to me.
i have seen many doctors and have tried many medicines but nothing ever seems to work.
if anyone has any words of encouragement i could really use them now.
thank you for reading this.