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Originally Posted by dragonfly2
Hi - it does sound like you have put up a valiant effort to maintain this relationship and tried to help him as best you could. That being said, I have to agree with mgran here. He needs to be held somewhat accountable for at least acknowledging that he has a problem and needs to seek treatment. This may seem contradictory to my earlier post on sticking things out in a relationship w/someone with mental illness, but sometimes an ultimatum is called for when someone is stuck in an unhealthy pattern. I can tell you that it worked for me.
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I feel I've tried everything under the sun to maintain this relationship. My bf seems to think I've done absolutely nothing, which really stings. Ever since the whole apartment incident, things have really just gone to ****. He's been sulking about it for a whole month now, or, that's how I see it anyway. I think he always felt like I was the only person still there for him and my refusal to get this apartment for us-oh and he sees it only as refusal, he doesn't believe that it's financially impossible for me-must seem like the ultimate let down.
I have considered maybe reaching out to his older sister, who no longer lives at the house but she is still over there all the time. His family honestly doesn't seem to know what to do about him anymore. I've said before that I think he's basically become their dirty little family secret. His mother is an RN, so I had hoped she would use her professional ties to get him some resources and help. And he simply hated it whenever I would speak to his mother without him around because of course he becomes the topic of conversation. I know he would not appreciate me going behind his back to alert his friends and/or family, but he's rapidly leaving me little choice in the matter. He's threatened that he will "snap" if he has to stay at his house much longer. I'm not sure what that means, but I don't want to take chances. And if I have to leave the relationship, I want to know someone will look after him.
What you described with your experience with bipolar and post-partum is eerily similar to what happened with my mother when she gave birth to my youngest brother (her last and seventh child). She's had bipolar dx since she was my age, I believe, and she had my brother when she was in her 40s so she spent some time in and out of the hospital after he was born. I'm not my step-father's biggest fan, but I will say that he has stuck with her and been supportive of her throughout the ups and downs of her mental illness. I'm not saying my father wasn't supportive, but it's hard for me to judge since they split when I was nine years old. I think she takes four different medications and she's doing just fine right now.
Seeing how well she is doing just makes me all the more frustrated with my bf. What's more is that he has a BS in psychology, of all things. I don't know if he sees the OCD and depression as personal failings, but it seems like it. I am perfectly willing to take the bad with the good, as is appparent, but when the "bad" is consistently interfering with both our lives, I don't see why it's so wrong to want to rectify it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonfly2
It may sound counterintuitive, and it may feel like you are abandoning him (and there is a good chance he will feel this way), but it sounds like you need to make a similar break with him for his own good. Not only do you need to set healthy boundaries for yourself, but it may be the thing he needs to finally get his own help. It doesn't need to be "goodbye forever", unless you want it to be, but there should be some expectations set for any sort of reconciliation. Don't forget to take care of yourself during this stressful time.
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It does feel like I would be abandoning him and it tears me up with guilt. And I don't want guilt to be the thing which holds me to him because that wouldn't be healthy for either of us. He is own responsibility just as I am my own responsibility. I am almost certain he would see it as abandoning him or kicking him when he's down and I don't want him to see it like that. But obviously I can't control how he would view it.
I just don't know how to go about this. I want to be there for him should he make the decision to get help, if he wanted me, of course. I would gladly attend therapy sessions with him, provided I could make the trip. To be honest, at this point, both of us could probably use some therapy. I don't want it to be "goodbye forever", of course, but I suppose that would have to be an acceptable risk if there's any chance he would get some help.