I'm so damn depressed I can't even put into words how depressed I am. I'd email my T, but I don't know how to describe it to him. "Depressed" only scratches the tip of the iceberg.

I haven't gotten out of bed all day. I'm not at all hungry, so I haven't eaten. I'm smack dab in the middle of learning how to accept a recently diagnosed chronic illness which, oh by the way, can still kill me. I'm out of a job where I hadn't worked for a year, so wasn't eligible for short-term disability. I don't know where my money is coming from, month to month. My family paid for December and January while I was in the hospital, and my friends took care of February, but I can't keep hitting people up for cash (and my family has already told me they can't afford any more). Yet I'm incapable of working, because the illness drains my energy.

One of my sisters lives in Rochester, MN where the Mayo Clinic is, and wants me to move in with her and get my care there until I'm well enough to come back to Milwaukee. I don't WANT to move to Minnesota. My support network is HERE. I've lived on my own for half my life and I can't stand the thought of having to be dependent on other people for stuff. Nobody was here to help me when I couldn't even walk, why should I rely on anyone now?

The drs. took me off a bunch of my psych meds because they thought some of them might be causing the illness. I'm back on a few, but at half the doses I was, and I think I'm paying for it. Yet nobody wants me to go up on them again in case it makes the physical illness worse.

I don't know what to do. I just want to go to bed and never get out again. Does anybody have a magic wand to make it all go away?

Candy