life certainly get better.  i once felt all the things you mentioned. i hope you have a T. if u do, call him. he may help you work thru these self defeating feelings. r u taking meds? if not, get back on them.
for those of us that have gained stability in our lives the outlook looks promising. you can get there too and it sounds like u you need help to untangle the snarl of emotions that burden u.
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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
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