Hi. I don't know what my point is, but I just want to write about ups and downs and life and confusion, ....

Everything happens all at once. Some of you know that I started a master's program in mental health counseling a few months ago. It never was quite what I wanted to do, since I would rather be a psychologist, but I didn't know if I would have a chance to get into one of those programs, or if I really could take as much time away from my family as that would involve (I would have to commute about 3 hours away). Anyway, my plan was to go ahead and start the master's program since I had the chance to start it right away and then would feel like I was doing something and have something to fall back on. I intended all along to apply to the doctoral programs that I really would rather be in anyway, and I did apply.

I'm invited to interviews for one of those programs this week. I'm excited and confused about that. I'd like to be in that program, but I wish I could make three copies of myself so that I could do everything. Or at least learn to teleport. If the state would just put in high speed trains connecting the rural areas to the bigger cities, that would make it a lot easier. That's entirely wishful thinking though.

At the same time, I got a promotion at work (last week) that puts me in position for a managerial job when someone retires (I'm guessing in about a year). And I like the people I work with and the people in my class for the master's program. I don't know how I want things to work out.

The last few weeks have been obnoxious. I've been fighting with T because I have a hard time with the new approach she is using with me (toughlove, because I am an addict - addicted to fear, denial, and self-deception). I never seemed to get anything right. Finally this week I did figure something out (or I guess I caught on to what she was trying to get me to see). What was that? Oh yeah, I get mad and irritable and push people away when they get too close. If I do that to any of you, call me on it, ok?

I'm trying not to be so irritable with my family, but it's hard. I'm happier when I'm away from home, or when my husband is. He was travelling Monday and Tuesday, and came back grumpy and making everyone miserable because the house wasn't clean enough. Wednesday morning he continued it, and after he went out the door I was asking my daughter if she had vacuumed all the way to the edges and moved furniture. He came back in, shoved me aside, grabbed the couch I had been leaning on, and threw it across the room (revealing junk piles underneath it). When I called my daughter from work that afternoon he had gone home early and had her in tears again.

I get overstimulated so easily lately and when the kids all ask me something and he's playing music and computer games, and the kids are playing gameboy and leaving it running and practicing violin and roughhousing, I can't take it anymore. I'm okay today because I stayed at work for 10 hours.

Tomorrow I'll be gone all day going to therapy (it's a 3 1/2 hour drive each way), and I've gotten to where I look forward to the trip but I'm afraid of how it's going to go with T, especially since I haven't done so well lately.

I'm going to listen to books on tape in the car and try not to dissociate too much. I don't know what I'm asking of you. Maybe I just want to let you know where I'm at. I'm kind-of a mixed up mess.

(((((((((hugs to all)))))))))))

Rap