((((((((((((Greenfairy)))))))))))))))))))))

I can truely understand your feelings. I am going through similar feelings. Just last year at this exact time, my Mother died from cancer. I was with her 24/7 for the last month of her life & was the one that had to tell her that it was ok for her to die & that she would never be able to live the life she wanted to while her congative abilities were not there & only feel that I felt a squeeze of her hand when I was finished talking to her. During that time, I was dealing with anorexia & was hospitalized for several months having to go AMA just to be able to go to her funeral. I caught the home care nurse stealing her ID I went through all kinds of police issues including having the nurse call them to accuse me of abusing my Mother. I had no one who would believe me & even my husband would look at me as if I was crazy.....my pdoc blammed it on my anorexia & my psychologist had his own health problems that left me with no support. The Dr's, social workers, & no one would even support the fact that I knew my Mother was dying. My friends felt that what I was going through was just a figment of my imagination...of course things like this only happen in TV shows that are imaginary. My exhaustion was beyond what I could handle & the ER;s would say you need to spend some time in a spa to relax since relaxation at home was impossble with 13 dogs & 5 horses to care for.

Everyone refused to support me & I felt like I was going crazy. I knew what was going on, but how to get anyone else to believe left me feeling like I had no one on my side since no one believed me. No one could even agree on what kind of treatment I needed. I felt stranded & with my mother dead, I had no one since I was the only child & there was no one else in my family for any kind of support. I felt like an orphan & my husband who knew I was in the process of wanting a divorce was definitely not there for me either. He cared enough to bring my dogs down to the hospital to visit because they are the only ones that I have with love that is unconditional. My horses couldn't be brought that far, but at least I had the love of my eskies.

I understand the feeling of being completely alone & no support & even those that supported me during the funeral, as soon as the funeral was over, I never heard from them again & thay were family. The funeral was another story because my Mothers boyfriend (my father had died 16 years before) was the neighbor of the RN that did the ID theft & the pastor of her church threatened me to stop filing the police report against the RN so I wouldn't let him have anything to do with the funeral. I told him he could have a memorial service for her for all the church but I wouldn't allow him to do the actual funeral. He insisted that he was doing the funeral & just couldn't understand the fact that he wasn't going to be part of the graveside service....then when he realized what was happening, he suggested doing the graveside service. I had to keep the church people & him away from me because I couldn't allow trust anyone that had knowledge of the RN to be anywhere near to me so kept the actual funeral to close friends & family. Leaving people out of the whole thing left many people away from me & not being able to share my feelings with my husband because of our divorce situation really left me completely lonely with no one to share my feelings with or even able to express what I was going through. I realize how you need a hug......so here is a huge((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))), & hopefully some understanding of how lonely you are feeling at this point. If you need to PM to express your feelings in a little more depth that it seems possible is just a post......I am here to listen & hopefully be able to give you some support......I hope that I can do that for you. You are really going through a rough time right now, & just to have an ear to listen to you & give you a few words of understanding, I hope I may be able to help you a little if you feel that may help you.

Right now, I am in a partial hospital program Mon, Wed, & Fri in order to help me get some of the horrible feelings I have inside out & get some feedback from others who are also having other types of problems. It really helps & I don't know if there may be a hospital around your area that might have a similar program......it is really great. I do get emotionally exhausted & have to take some days off, but it is a wonderful program that exists for all types of insurance including medicare which I have.

Please take care & remember, I am an ear & hopefully someone to give some soundback to help you through this rough time. They keep telling me that this is not a permanent situation & I will get better even though it doesn't feel like it right now & is hard to believe. but. I have many animals that need my care......13 dogs, 4 horses & 1 on the way any day now, so I can't afford to allow my horrible feelings to control me......but it feels impossible right now, so I can really feel how similar our feelings are.

If I can be of any help, please PM me if you feel there are things that are more difficult to express than in a post. I will try my hardest to be of as much help as possible.

Take care of yourself...you are not the only one that is feeling this way at this point in time....& I care how you are feeling....hoping that maybe just a few words may help you get through this rough time.
Thinking of you......hugz,
Debbie