I am in the process of ending a 30 1/2 year relationship. It is tough. I am physically now well dealing with anorexia along with depression & anxiety which initially seemed like it came from my work situation but further looking into it, I realized that is was also the relationship that was causing the feelings.

I have fear that I am taking care of 13 dogs & 4 horses & 1 on the way in a couple of weeks. When I end up with my problems that come up, I become copletely unfunctional & I have a major fear of how my critters will be taken care of. Then I have that guilty feeling of why am I staying with someone just because I need their help & not because there is any love there. I guess there are many reasons why people stay together even though love is no longer there (if it was there even in the beginning).

Relationships are the most difficult things that I have ever experienced...the why to stay together even though it isn't the love that it seems what the ideal relationship should be built on. I have a fear of being alone given the mental & physical conditions that I end up having & feeling that it isn't fare to the other person......what are the other options.....what does the other person feel when I am open & honest about my feelings which to me is the most important aspect of the whole thing. I feel that if I am honest with them about how I feel & it is their choice to decide to stay or leave the relationship is one of the most important things. If I am honest about how I feel & the feelings that I am dealing with gives the other person in the relationship (in my case, my husband) the true feelings that are part of the whole picture of the relationship then it is their choice to continue of end the relatioship. The fights are difficult & not something either of us want to deal with but given what is real in the relatioship & knowing what we will be dealing with make the understanding of what life is going to be like seens to make it the real choice of what we are either willing or not willig to cotinue to put up with or in our case "toleration".

Be honest with each other about what we are going to living like seems to give us both the true choices that we can think over & decide if we will be willing to tollerate or not & that will help us both decide if we are willling to continue with the relatioship or end it. I am not sure if this really works, but right now, this is how we are trying to handle our decision on continuing on with the divorce of choosing to continue to tollerate each other.

At this point, I have been completely honest with him & have left it up to him to decide if he is willing to continue living the life I am planning on having for myself. My life is going to contain my horses & breeding them & dressage showing along with breeding my american eskimos.......my estate money is going to be mine & not his......living is going to be him & me separate with his responsibility & mine.....basically living separately. His life has always been in his world where I never have belonged & communication never occured......those are things that are very hard to live with that is why I am keeping my things my responsibility with everything having to be separate. A completely environment that doesn't seem like marriage at all, but that was't my choice....I have to protect myself from him.

I think the most important part of ending any relationship is being honest & letting each other know what each one expects & if it is acceptable to tollerate than it may be ok....otherwise, it the truth isn's acceptable, then the relationship should be ended.

This is my own phylosophy & really don't know if it works or not.....but it is something I am going to try considering I am afraid of not being able to take care of myself.

No matter what, relatioships are difficult & each one has to be worked out in the way that the 2 people can figure out how to work it. Some just cant be worked out, others can deal with toleration. The bottom line is that is depends of both of the people & being honest about what each other expects out of the relationship & whether there can be toleration & for the REAL LUCKY PEOPLE, the love continues to be a big part of the relationship.

This is my own personal experience & is nothing more than that. My experience with love is based on my relationship with my dogs & horses & the onconditional feelings that I have felt from & for them. The human love just has no comparason between the two & the love is not the sexuality feelings but the love feelings that go beyond any sexuality feelings.

Debbie