Everysince my Mother died of cance, l, I have had a very difficult questions that had been going through my mind. It is one that I haven't heard before. The type of cancer my Mother had was vulvar cancer. It was squamus cell cancer which is a skin cancer which showed up on her vulvar. When she finally went to the Dr about it, she told me that a couple of months before she thought is was just a cyst about the size of a small marble. When she finally went into the Dr to have it checked which she said was oly 2 months later, what she thought was the cyst was the size of my fist. Mine you, the vulvar is between the womans leg which is obvious everytime you go to the bathroom. Just before she died, her surgeon told me that there was no way that type of cancer could have grown that quickly & that she had just ignored taking care of herself.

I remember the many times I had actually attempted suicide & she would get so mad at me for having attempted it, being a "sin". My question is that she had to know that what she thought was a cyst & was growing like it did & she just didn't want to do anything about it because she thought that if she would need a surgery, it would interfear with her driving test she needed to to in order to get her drivers license. What an excuse for something that was growing to that size (& it was't something that wasn't ovbious daily everytime she went to the bathroom). How can her ignoring the growth that went from the size of a small marble to the size of my fist be considered anything other than ignoring what she had to realize was cancer which was something she told me about a lump I had felt in my breast. I immediately took action to verify that I didn't have cancer & yet, she ignored something as serious as what was going on with her. I know I am judging her actions in the same way she judged my actions but it is a question that I can't get out of my head. I read a Christmas letter she had written about how lucky she was that the cancer hadn't grown past her groin area (that in itself was serious). How was her ignoring her problem any different than intentionally overdosing on pills. I can understand cancer which is not obvious & intenal where the tumor is not obvious, but when it is somewhere you daily can keep track of it.....just doesn't make sense to me & feels to me that it was no different than choosing it as suicide. I know this is probably a very cotroversial subject but is has been a question that has been running through my mind for quite a while now. I brought it up in the partial hospital program I am in & there was no answer......which I am sure there really isn't an answer, only opinions.

Just questions that run through my mind,
Debbie