Quote:
Originally Posted by HalfSwede
I'd like to say that if I wasn't already married, I wouldn't go looking for a relationship just to feel complete, that I'd want to work on myself for a while and THEN go out and look for somebody to whom to present the new, improved me. But, probably the better answer is, yes, definitely work on self-improvement, but if someone comes along who you think you have half a shot at, don't dismiss the opportunity because you don't feel 100% ready to take advantage of it.
So my short answer to the overall thread would be, I wouldn't go seeking validation, but I wouldn't look askance at it if it came along, either.
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Thanks, HS! Your posts always give me pause to think and I'm grateful, my friend, that you posted on this thread.
One of the things I learned from therapy the first time around (shortly after my divorce) was to try to steer away from the women I was seeking validation from - as well as the ones seeking it from me. On the one hand, what human being doesn't like to hear nice things from another? I think there's nothing wrong with wanting to have someone in our lives who truly loves us and may even think we're the greatest thing since night baseball (and vice versa). On the flip side of that, it's easy to be seduced by those initial loads of attention (immediate gratification) when you don't really love (or even like) yourself first. Maybe I'm merely stating the obvious here. In my case, especially with my ex-wife, that's what I got: immediate gratification and validation. My inner voice was shouting out about so many red flags that I was choosing to ignore - the biggest one being, "are you really
in love with this person or simply love how she's making you
feel right now?" In the beginning, I think we BOTH validated each other when we were most vulnerable: each of us having just come off a bad relationship. That led to a very co-dependent pairing based not on love but on need. When all the initial romance, attention and bedroom intimacy was taken out of the equation, we found that we had no real foundation. I don't either of us ever really fell
in love with the other. It took a while before we divorced, but we were doomed all along. From what I've read, that scenario is not at all uncommon. Some couples decide to work through it, some do not.
Anyway, live and learn. This was just something I wanted to get out there.
Thanks for all the replies!