I was thinking about this rupture with T (not that I've been thinking about much else lately...) and started wondering if I could figure out when it started, what I did or what happened, something.

So I looked back through the threads I've started here, and I can see clearly that as early as March 30 I was starting to feel like something was "off". Some of the things I posted about during April I honestly don't even remember, at all. Which is really freaking me out. but jeez, when I look at all of that, it's like...NO WONDER. No wonder a rupture happened.

Based pretty much just on my gut and a couple comments T made, I take it that someone in her life has been sick, and I wouldn't be surprised if that started in April or March. It seems like I was reacting to a feeling of T "pulling away" without really realizing I was feeling that, and then it started this sort of push/pull thing where she pulled away more and I clung on tighter.

It is so easy to see those patterns in hindsight, and so hard to see them as they emerge.

I see T tomorrow and I would like to talk about this with her, but I also really need to talk about other things going on in my life. I feel like if we don't start talking about something other than our relationship soon that will become the main focus of my therapy. And I don't want that. I need help with the stuff going on in my life and in my body and in my mind and in my heart.