eskie, my thoughts on your mom's cancer are that she was in deep denial about the growth of the tumor. imagine the feeling that she would have had walking, much less peeing.

my ex had a woman come to him with breast cancer so bad that she had a huge open wound. he was horrified and she told him that she was so scared that she had cancer that she just went into denial and refused to admit to herself and her family how bad the disease was. when she wound became too large for her to manage (bandages, etc.) she went to my ex. of course it was too late. he couldn't do anything for her.

so i think if you could look at it as denial AND fear, it might help you. we never can get into anyone else's mind and you will never know what she was thinking or feeling. it's okay to be pissed about it. just lean into it and process it and i think you will have made it through another stage of your grief. love, pat