thank you kd. thats all i wanted. was just to love and be loved back. to give myself to someone in spite of the pain, but i've been foolish. i think i keep looking for the answers in all the wrong places. and i keep getting hurt. i feel like the child who keeps touching a hot stove despite the burn it brings. i've been pushing so hard for change, maybe inspired by the people around me, or in an effort to please, and have disregarded my own security, my well-being. here i am falling into this horrible depression over the fact that i cant please others. why do i keep fighting? it seems i'm only hurting myself. this past weekend i stayed home with my family. we were snowed in actually. i didnt think about moving to another place, or going back to school, or anything at all really. i felt sad,as i have alot lately, but i just spent my time with my kids and my husband, and there was just this peace. i know everyone wants more from me, for me to go back to school and have this great career and people think i should leave my husband because were so poor and hes never around anyway. sorry this is so long i just need to talk and as always theres no one here to talk to. i've been hurt so deeply, i feel like my hearts been torn from my chest, and all because i wanted to change. even in trying to change i was told it wasnt enough. i wasnt fast enough, not good enough, not enough for the people in my life to stick by me. and it hurts right now. but i think i'm learning from it. what i have is safe. i think if it were ripped from under me right now i'd fall apart so what is it that i'm looking for? theres this thread here, about how you define success. and another, someone asking when do you give up. and i think i know the answers for me anyway. success for me is finding something i can live with that doesnt hurt. i think my past has ripped me apart so much and theres only so much pain a person can take. . .maybe success is when youre satisfied with what you have. maybe thats the answer. to live with all the pain and hurt and memories, and maybe you find healing and maybe you dont, and maybe youre loved and maybe youre not. maybe success is when you dont have to search anymore. . . when you realize what you were looking for all along is right there in front of you. and maybe its time to give up when all you find is pain, when all thats out there waiting for you, all the reward for your efforts, is just more hurt. sorry if i always seem to go on and on. its one of the disadvantages of being isolated so much. thank you for listening.