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May 28, 2011, 11:01 PM
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Member Since: Jan 2011
Location: Hell
Posts: 5,109
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I know im kinda sad for still being sooo cut up about losing my grandma...but each day i struggle to see the worth of getting up and out.
I was 10 when i lost her and christmas this year will be 9 years since she died. When she first died i blamed myself...i never told her i loved her that much...i never really thought she would leave me like she did....i did always hug her and give her a kiss...i did go shopping with her and carried the bags for her....i loved spending time with her....i even after school sneaked round to her and my grandads home just to be with her...my parents didnt even i know i did...they always thought i was on the park or a friends house.
I hate myself for feeling so hurt and thinking i wasnt worth her fighting it and staying with me....all she was bothered about was my grandad and him not loving her if she had her other breast off (she had breast cancer twice)
she never thought of me or how it would effect me, her not being here....with her being gone...my grandad didnt want to know me...he would get drunk and ring me giving me a lot of hurtful abuse about her and how i wasnt good enough and that it was my fault she died.....he even really hurt me physically (my parents let him....they was there when he hurt me and they could see he was b/c i was crying)....i was abused by my mom without her here to protect me.
my life just isnt worth living really.....but each day i wake up, each day i fight, each day im always remined of her, each day im facing a new obstacle....when will all this pain go? how much more do i have to put up with? 
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Don't get caught up in what could be, instead appreciate what is. Appreciate what you have & who you have, because the future can take it away from you.
iamspecial is thinking....when all else fails....sit back...look at it....then re-think and start again
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