Your Grandma knew how much you loved her by your actions. Actions speak so much louder than words. Sorry this is so troubling for you. Have you ever allowed yourself a chance to grieve? It was her time - it doesn't have anything to do with you. I imagine she is living on in your heart and in your memories. Hold on to the good memories you have of her. Could you do something to give yourself some closure? Write her a poem, leave some flowers at her grave, something like that - just for you. Hang in there! Even when it hurts and life has got you down, keep looking for the sunshine and remember how much you mean to others!