My birthday was Feb 10.....I was so exhausted that I couldn't get out of bed & I was supposed to go to the partial hospital program. I just couldn't get my body out of bed & couldn't get the blanket from covering my head. I took enough of my meds to knock out an elephant & what surprised me was that my psychologist told me that when I feel that way & just can't function & am so totally exhausted, he said it was ok to take enough of my meds to knock me out so I can get my rest & keep the nightmares away. He has in the past called the paramedics on several of my OD's, but this time he felt that I only took enough to get me into the place where I could just get the rest I need.

Everysince my Mother died last year (Jan 9) I have been having more horrible feelings towards her & not that this year I am not dealing with the anorexia that I was dealing with last year, it feels great that he trusts me enough to know that I will no longer attempt suicide like I had in the past. The fear is that my pdoc wants me in the psych hospital & I know that doesn't help at all.....the partial program is good but being driven back & forth by my husband after getting into 2 accidents in 1/2 hour of each other, I am totally afraid of myself & I go through horrible fears of staying in my Mothers home after the ID theft that happened there with the voices & experiences.....I too feel crushed & realy don't know if I will be able to ever make it again......But I have no choice....I have another brand new foal (my mare is pregnant & due any time now). It seems like it will not be until March by the feeling of her, but I can't be tied up doing anything else when my filly is born.

It is frustrating that nothing can get in my way at this time & I have a million things going on in my life along with being totally exhausted.

I too don't know if I can make it, & completely understand your feelings. How can we force things to happen when they have to happen. It feels like when you have a surgery that is needed & there is no option tha to have the surgery.....It will happen no matter how much we don't want it to happen & we will have to live through it no matter what......we just don't have a choice.....but we just want to make it all go away no matter how good or how much better it will make us feel.

Life it really rough & for some reason we end up living through it because it just has to happen. Life is totally rough & there are so many times we just wish the time would be over I we could be put out to get through it.

I hope you can make it through your rough time like I hope we all can make it through our life issues. My prayers are for you to get through the rough time of your life you are going through & for all of us others who are having similar experiences.
Debbie