Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Laura
I know you guys are right I really do. I do feel more free at night when no-one is around and I can be just me. Ye I am moody in front of my family but they have never from what I am aware of seen me in a "happy" "hyper" "manic" mood. I took my morning meds at 3pm. Better late than never huh!! I am stuck in doors all the time as I don't go out. I don't really want to sleep as I have nightmares sometimes and that has kinda scared me. The Manager at the Organisation I attend told me they are delusions and I need to put them from my mind although its hard. She also has BP so can relate on so many levels. I am worried about having to be hospitalised. My CPN/Psych will ask about me taking my meds and I will say what..... I have stopped taking them or I have been good and compliant and been taking them. I don't want them to think I am uncompliant with my meds although I am most of the time. I haven't even told my friends as I am scared they get disappointed in me and get angry. I hate disappointing them. All I want is to be happy. But at the moment my life just doesn't like happiness. I have had a hard month- losing my job on ill health grounds and the battle I had there was unreal and everyone has said they would be surprised if I was just "ok" as it has been a really tough month/year. I want to prove to people I am fine. But then I think I am fine, I don't need meds. Maybe I am kinda like your Bro Lynn... hard to reason with- I really don't know. Decisions are so hard to make at the moment. I sat 1 night and put things into folders and colour co-orindated things. I have played sudoko, played games on internet, watched tv, wrote forever and everything is still manic. My writing makes me question is life real and is my life real. My time with friends.... is it real or is it a fantasy. Is my indestructability real or fantasy.... My CPN really is concerned about that and said I either stay safe or be sectioned yikes!! I am trying to stay safe I cross the roads at pedestrian crossings and feel like a right idiot as everyone else walks across the road when there is no traffic coming but I am standing there waiting for the wee green man to say its safe to cross the road. I start Tai Chi on Thursday I am nervous about that. I hate groups and I hate new things. My Support Worker from the Organisation is coming with me as 1:1 support. I am scared as this will be my 1st ever 1:1 support ever. I feel embarrassed talking to my family about BP and me. It took me 3 days to tell them I was going to Tai Chi on Thursday. I just feel small when I talk about BP/my group/me. I just wish my Mania would last me forever and be "ok" not major like it is now. Do I sound manic???? I know I feel it inside but can you guys tell??? My thoughts are pressured at the moment and I want to keep writing but I know it will be rubbish and you guys have your own things/stressors etc so I won't bother. I will just do writing if I need to. I can't even concentrate on reading despite buying a new book. I love fresh new books love the smell of them 
Sorry rant/blahing over!! |
Dreams aren't exactly delusions. They are the subconscious' way of acting out our deepest feelings, worries, etc. They are also sometimes the subconscious' way of warning us of the possible dangers that lay ahead on the path we are currently taking. Anyone who went to school to study psychology should have a better knowledge of dreams, ego, id, & superego than "it's all made up in your head".
Rather than be afraid to go to sleep, or try to forget that your nightmares even occur at all, you should probably look into dream interpretation. I've had a couple TERRIFYING nightmares recently about being murdered, my grandfather being murdered, being trapped in a mental institution where all of the patients are on a huge killing spree, having to kill others to survive. They were very gorey. I tried to scream to wake up, as I always know I'm dreaming when I'm asleep, but it didn't work, so I started to beleve I actually wasn't dreaming. It took me half an hour after waking up both times to realize that I was awake, not dead. I looked up what my dreams could mean, & I found that it is my subconscious' way of coping with the fact that I'm trying to change myself drastically. When you dream of being killed or chased, it means that you are essentially trying to "kill" a habit/trait, you're trying to change. The person chasing you/killing you represents what you fear, & in the dream, you are merely representing what you are trying to change about yourself. I hope that helps you a little in understanding your nightmares & that you look into that.
In regards to not taking your medication, I strongly suggest that you buckle down & take it. If you really want to get better, that's the most friendly way to yourself to do so. You won't necessarily have to take them forever. All mental illness is a chemical imbalance in the brain. The medications are designed to supplement whatever chemical your brain isn't producing enough of or counteract the chemical your brain is producing too much of. If use properly, medication can help your brain stabilize & learn to produce the proper amounts of these chemicals on its own. I think you definitely DO need to take your medications, but I'm sure in a few years, if you stick to it, you will be perfectly fine, which is clearly what you really want ultimately. You just have to tough it out & take your medications. If you can't do that, you should at least be honest & accept the hospitalization. Hospitalization doesn't necessarily have to be permanent, either. If you are hospitalized, you won't have the option to deny yourself treatment, & you will get better. Either way, I hope it all works out for you. (& yes, I can tell you're manic through your posts, but you shouldn't feel ashamed of that. It is NOT your fault, & you CAN get better.
) -hugs- Just hang in there.