Hey CupCakeQueen,

Thanks for replying... guess I'm in a chatty mood.

I know your completely right and I do acknowledge that I am being stubborn and "refusing" accepttance of being BP and having Mania and all that goes with it.

I just want it all to stop and everything is calm again. This whole year has been a mixture of Depression and Mania and everyone in RL know's my life has been topsy turvey. I try so hard to just be ok. As I said I keep it all in until night-time and then I come alive. I'm sitting watching this weeks Desperate Housewives and sitting on here. I think I am calmer tonight as I am not talking to any of the guys I speak to normally. So I guess maybe I am losing the Mania?

I will take meds tonight... is it ok if I still want to NOT take them though?

As much as I really want to move out I just don't have the money to move out. I am still in debt to my parents. I miss living away from my family though.... peace and quiet!!

I am scared to tell them in case they think I am really ill... I am not seeing my CPN till 6th June and my Psych 17th June so its still a long way away. I might be better by then.... probably will be better by the time I see Psych. I was thinking about seeing my GP and tell her but I have reframed from doing so. I have started hurting myself again and I know that is not good. It's nothing major, minor s/h'in so I know it's nothing major.

I have found it hard to accept that I have BP and that I am mentally ill and that I will always have this niggling over me. I was only diagnoised in Oct last year so its still rough at times. When I come here I collect so much info and it all makes sense. I do loads of research on BP too and I know I shouldn't as I scare myself.... My GP has actually warned me not to do this but it's comforting sometimes to do this.

I don't go out drinking any more I just drink in house and it's nothing major only a few vodka's and Irn Bru's lol nothing major. I have had issues with alcohol in the past ie 5 years ago but I am a lot more careful as that was my lowest point and I promised myself I wouldn't go down that road.

I know I have to be honest but I really don't want to hurt my family as they think I am fine and nothing is wrong. They are gonna be so mad that I never let them in... I have a Twin Sister and I can't even tell her. I don't want to EVER go into hospital and I know you are soooo right and I know this is ridiculous that I am 26 and feel like I am acting like a kid... I am sorry!!