I was really in a mess when I went to my therapist today. At least I talked more about "the forbidden subject" than I ever have. I read something today that really triggered some old memories and feelings. Since then I have been pretty overwhelmed and having trouble reeling it back in. My therapist says I have dissociated since I was a child and we're going to start opening up all that stuff. I thought that I had already done that before but she said I didn't take care of it all. She said that it's going to take a while. I don't know if I'm up to it. I may seem cold, distant, but I learned at a very young age that the way to handle scary emotions was to just store them away. I've done that all of my life. It's been my one source of survival. I go through every day just existing, punishing myself with self-defeating behavior and not caring about me. It's easier than facing all of the demons and feeling all of the shame and guilt. But see I'm getting really worn out now. There's too much baggage to carry around anymore and no outlet to get relief.

I don't really know who I am. Heck, maybe I'm a snert. I've never told people that I have this problem, ability, this life long skill of shutting down emotionally to survive. Where others in my family feel badly about something, I feel nothing. Does that make me heartless? I don't think I am. But my coping techniques, however sick they may be, did not help much today. The pain is there and I can't seem to just put it away like always. I'm sorry. I'm just rambling on, making little sense. I'm glad that I found this place.