I understand what you are saying - some people just don't get it! I learned to only share my troubles with the ones I truly trust. Some of your words sound exactly like the place I was in a couple years ago...it can get better! It takes a lot of hard work and there are ups and downs, but I'm facing my past with a different thought process now. I'm not done healing and I still have a long way to go, but a tiny part of me is actually starting to believe that the person I am supposed to be is still inside me, hidden under layers of pain. As I strip away those layers of pain - more and more of my "real" self is emerging.
You don't need to apologize for anything - it was not your fault - you are coping the best you know how and with time you will find yourself closer to what you dreamed you would be. Keep holding on. PC is a safe place - you will not be judged here!