i dont know what i'm doing anymore. i honestly dont know anything. this is perhaps the most senseless post i've ever made but i feel like i've been knocked in the head with a great big hammer and have lost all ability for rational thought. my husband is miserable. he hates his job, he hates my problems, he hates our poverty. . . and i guess maybe i should make a list of what he doesnt hate as it would be considerably shorter. and my parents think i should leave him. they keep telling me to walk away, go back to school, put my life together. and for a while it was like i was brainwashed. i had stars in my eyes. . . the endless possibilities. i didnt walk away from him, i just tried to change, gradually. i put one foot in front of the other, kept my horse blinders on as my mom says, and it was like seeing the other side of the fence. . .perfectly green grass, evenly mowed, beautiful beds of flowers. then it kind of got yanked out from underneath me. the support system i thought i had packed up and walked away. and i fell apart. and then i realized that so the hell what. i wont be a doctor or a lawyer but i have a husband who knows me, with all my miseries and faults, and sticks around anyway. i have two great kids. i have a crappy apartment but its a roof over my head. so i say okay to reality and life moves on. then today its like the return of the prodigal son. suddenly i'm not alone anymore. my friend decided he wants to help. mom is picking up the phone every five minutes to check in to say hi to give support. its like someones turning the life support back on but i'm already dead inside so whats the point. not sure if this post has a point, other than that i feel like my hearts been broken twice. why do people just walk away, wipe their hands clean, and then turn around and say, ooops i made a mistake. you cant rip someone to pieces and throw those pieces in the garbage put the lid on and walk away and then say oops, i didnt mean it. i already accepted that this is it. this is as good as it gets. i am alone. and now all of a sudden the support system and the "love" has returned. i dont know what to do with it. i just want to toss it out the back window. i dont want to care anymore because i dont think i could survive more pain. does any of this make sense?