I think that the sense that someone really important in your life has been hypocritical is one of the hardest things. You felt your life was not worth living at times, and instead of someone engaging with that you just got condemnation. Then that person ignores the threat to their own life, and just irresponsibly lets that happen. It's not a sin to feel that life is not worth living sometimes - I think it's quite natural, and if we're allowed to have those thoughts and feelings we are probably more healthy, and won't actually act upon them. If you've got someone in authority over you telling you what to feel and think, it's not so good, and that person may well be in so much "denial" about the inbuilt tragedy of life, they could kill themselves without anybody (least of all themselves) knowing about it. I think too that we all take our time accepting decrepitude and stuff, but that's a separate thing. i just want to say to you at this time, it's OK to be in a difficult place, it's OK to feel in conflict - I try to put a big cuddle round my blackest thoughts and memories.