Thank you...this is so hard...I know I sound like I have such conviction hut I completely broke down to tears yesterday, I posted after I had composed myself and spoken to a friend...I know that this is right but as I said to my friend yesterday knowing that you've gone from A to Z in the completely wrong direction doesn't really make it any easier to go back to A and start over again...you just know you have to...and it sad and it scary...I think of what we could have had, what we should have had, what I know deep down we would never have had and it saddens me deeply...if I could go back I would never have had a child until I knew that the person that I was bringing that child into this world with was someone with whom I knew, deep in my soul, was someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, someone who completely completed me...ahh me...I love my baby boy to death though and we can't go back but I don't feel like I have to force something that is not there for this illusion of this warm, loving, nuclear family that I so much wanted us to be...The worst is over I guess though now it is just settling our financial affairs and sitting in a short court hearing and then FREEDOM...freedom to not walk on icicles anymore, freedom to handle my life the way I think it should be handled and be and do the things I would like to...and provide my son with a warm, loving atmosphere without constant ugliness...yes I am petrified but I am also very excited...