I am very new to this site. I have been through the gamut of psychologicla evaluations and have ended up somewhere between bipolar/social anxiety/borderline though I think I am more of the latter.

Anywho, I am to the point now where everyday is a persuasive speech to myself of why I shouldn't commit suicide. And guess what, my voice is failing. I know I can't do that to my family but at the same time I can't burden them with my nutso thoughts. I am truly at a crossroads and am frightened of where I may turn.

To give some history...I am currently 28. First suicide attempt was at almost 17 after being prescribed meds for OCD (for being an over-achiever), depression, and social anxiety. Second suicide attempt (or at least one that I bear severe enough to be classified at such) at 21. Last one was 2 years ago. Bad deal. I have been in a coma for almost three days, my liver is damaged. Not to mention my brain.

I have done the therapy, the medications, the self-help books. I have cut out caffiene and ate/exercised well. I am completely cognizant of my actions and feelings. And still this suicidal bs hijacks my brain. I am in a constant state of torture and do not have any idea of what to do at this point. I know it sounds completely pathetic and self-absorbed but I wondered what I have done to deal with such daily torment. For over eleven years now. Things very rarely get better, maybe for 3 days at most before I come back to this level of devastation.

What can I do?

I was physically abused by my father from 4-10 years (Mom was out having affairs and I had to protect my little sis from it all), was sexually abused by my uncle for nearly three years (we all lived tother and he is about two years older than I am) and got date raped at 22. I had two abortions at 17 and 19 (truly my lowest points). No one knows the entire extent of this as I am desperately ashamed of it all. And never want to burden anyone with helping such a waste of space. I am an academically smart girl, should have had the world by a string, and somehow managed to blow it all with these self-sabotaging compulsions.

I feel like I am never going to get it right. That my life is a complete waste of time and that none of it will make an impact on anyone.

Anyone have any advice? Any off-the-ledge talk? What really sucks is that I feel like I am in complete control of my decisions at this point. I know I want to commit suicide. I am just weighing the pros and cons at this point.