I last cut November 14, 2005. I was put on Adderall XR, and much to my T's surprise the cutting and urge to do it stopped. I've missed it, especially the past month or so. It worked! It served the purpose better than other (maladaptive) coping skills. I restricted my eating and lost 15 pounds or so, but it has never been enough. It's not immediate relief. I want to feel the pain and see the damage being done.

So last night I did it. I didn't have that crazed urge to that I did before; this time I just *Wanted* to. I wanted to really badly because it was something to do. The real urge wasn't there, just a huge want. I left 3 voice mails for my T last night night--one, then another about an hour later, then my final one about an hour after that. The last one was to tell that I did it. I didn't do much, not as much as I could have and would have like to. Finally my third was a good one--short, but deep. That's where I stopped. That one satisfied my need.

I am worried that I am getting back into this and how can I possibly explain to pdoc or my primary?! What about all the scars that I still have, and still reddish/pink? I can't go into a pool and if I have scars like this at summertime, I won't be wearing shorts again either. How am I supposed to admit to these docs about cutting again after all that time without doing from going on the Adderall? I told T in one of the voice mails last night, "I have a right to do it after all this time, don't I?!" I want to believe I do. He won't think so. Wish I didn't have to wait so long to see him next. He's booked for appointments this week so I have another week to go.